Even though I haven't written many entries in my blog lately, it doesn't mean that lots hasn't been going on. I just haven't had the energy to write about it all, which requires thinking about everything again, and that in itself is very taxing.
Life on this end of the computer screen hasn't been very pleasant for the last few months. I know that no one has a perfect life and that everyone has problems, but this entry is about me and
my concerns. It's not that I don't empathize with others and their issues; I just want to selfishly address my own at the moment.
Maybe I'm overdue for a baring of the soul - a confession of sorts? Regardless, I want to get some things out that I've been carting around because this load is quite cumbersome.
I became a bit reluctant to share what was happening after last fall's personal attack through my "comments" section. I began this blog as a way to work through my feelings - some of which aren't warm and fuzzy - but I was feeling judged after that incident and that I would always be subjected to intense scrutiny. Maybe that's a crazy assumption, but I assumed it anyway because it made sense in my mind. That being said, you're not being forced to read what I type here, so if you don't have any kind words to share, please don't comment.
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Looking back over the last four years of my marriage and all that's happened, I feel like my life is headed down a slippery slope and I can't do anything to stop it. Many areas of my life are a complete and utter mess, while other areas are limping along.
Careers: Mike has had some work-related issues over the last year or so. His work situation came to a head last July, when his then-boss refused Mike's request for a long weekend to visit my father before my dad's big surgery. I still don't know what the exact reasoning was for the denial, but it was very upsetting and frustrating, so Mike decided it was best to transfer to a new department and a new boss. He's been in his new position for almost a year, but the transition hasn't been smooth. His new co-workers don't (or didn't) know what happened to us with Ryan, and Mike was subjected to almost constant talk about happy families and living babies. It.never.stopped. And, all the while, he and I are struggling to get pregnant again and work toward a happy ending. Mike's work environment was very bad for a few months, but it seems that some aspects of it are leveling out and he's been better able to overlook the insensitivity and ignorance ... on most days.
As for my career, it pretty much sucks at the moment. My online venture barely has a pulse and my ego is beginning to suffer. Then self-doubt causes me to wonder if I made the best decision by choosing to walk out on my last job. Granted, it was a horribly negative environment that was sucking the life from me, but at least it was paying the bills. So, yeah, self-worth concerns have emerged to make my basket of issues truly diverse.
Emotionally: Both Mike and I have been through the wringer. I was in counseling for almost nine months (before graduating in April) and spent half a year visiting a acupuncturist to help reduce stress and improve my fertility. Prozac is my friend - probably for life. I also still regularly visit my chiropractor, who has always been very supportive and helpful.
Mike has had a full plate, too. First, with depression and anger issues. Then, I feared he was using alcohol as a crutch, so he went back into counseling last July to nip that concern in the bud before it spun out of control. He was taking anti-depressants - and had been through a slew of them - before going back to his new doctor, pleading for help because the AD's weren't working. After Mike took a short questionnaire, his doctor determined that his previous depression diagnosis wasn't accurate and he was actually suffering from bipolar disorder, which is why his meds weren't working. He began a new medication regimen almost a week ago, and already there's improvement. The Mikey I fell in love with is slowly coming back.
Fertility: Last June Mike and I were officially labeled with secondary infertility. Infertility of unknown origin. Normal by test standards, but unable to get pregnant after nearly two years. We did three injectable cycles (one with IUI) last summer, and I've done several Clomid cycles - all with a good response, but none with the desired outcome. The next item to check off our fertility list was a laparoscopy, which revealed scant scar tissue and a blocked right tube. Sure, the tube can probably be opened via a balloon catheter procedure, but it's yet another concern ... and more surgery ... and another obstacle.
The stress and pressure on us to get pregnant is enormous. We've been trying to make a family for nearly four years and we're exhausted, in every sense. It's horrible having sex on demand, per doctor's orders. Each cycle that's a failure is yet another loss for us. It's a loss of hope. One of those tiny glimmers has just fizzled out. Gone. And, we're feeling incredibly left behind. We watch as others are able to grow their families, and all we can do is imagine what it must be like. We feel like we're dreaming the impossible dream. It's painful news to hear when others get pregnant. And, it's not that we're not happy that others are getting pregnant; we're sad that it can't be us. That, for whatever reason, it isn't us sharing happy news after everything that's happened.
Shortly after we returned from our vacation to Canada, Mike gave me the sign I needed to know that he was finished with the "TTC" nonsense. We can't bear any more of it. It's brought so much disappointment and tremendous sadness. We only know the sad parts to being a parent. There's just no point in continuing down a path that's leading nowhere.
So, we're finished with trying to give Ryan a biological sibling.
With that decision, I'm now trying to come to terms with yet another huge letdown and loss in my life. I'm very torn over this decision in so many ways. Part of me feels that I'm letting Ryan down - that I truly haven't given it my all. I feel like a failure as a woman, a wife, and a mom. My body, in one sense or another, killed all three of my babies, and I'm riddled with guilt because of it. And, I feel defeated. I lost ... again.
Both Mike and I know that we want children - that desire has never waned - but now we're faced with our last option: adoption. I'm very grateful that that option is available, since so many children are without parents and need loving homes, but it doesn't change the fact that adoption is our back-up plan. It's a last resort, and I know that. I need to come to grips with that because that's how things are, even if it's not how I wanted.
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Again, we have lots to think about and lots to deal with. And, I'm already feeling anxious over Ryan's approaching second birthday, and it's still over a month off. Also, the reruns of last year at this time are playing through in my head, leading up to my dad's passing. Both Mike and I are feeling especially frail and vulnerable with all that's happened.
I've kept many people at arm's length the last few months, but I felt it was time to let everyone in on what's been happening. I'll be keeping a low profile over the next few months, but you can always reach me at grapey1969 @ aol . com (no spaces, of course).
Hopefully I can update you soon with some good news. In the meantime, hugs to you all and thank you for your support.
