Ryan was here ...

My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Yes, I'm still here

But, I'm a little lost again and have feared harsh scrutiny over my feelings, so I've kept mum instead of coming here to vent.

It's just a little more than two weeks till Ryan's fourth birthday - or, what should've been his fourth birthday - and I still feel so lost and confused. Megan has brought so much needed joy into my life, but I'm still longing for what I don't have.

I've also been doing more self-reflection and trying to figure out why I feel the way I do about certain aspects of my life. I need and deserve peace and resolution and I'm determined to find it. I may have to delve into the murky places in my past and within myself to find those answers, but dammit, I cannot go on like this for the next however-many years.

I guess I'll always be a work in progress.



  • At July 22, 2009 5:32 PM, Blogger Doodle - said…


    In my honest opinion... Ryan's birthday will ALWAYS be Ryan's birthday. Nothing changes that. Nothing.

    Does it help to know you aren't alone out there? You have many good people in your company.

  • At July 24, 2009 7:57 PM, Blogger Angela said…

    I don't have any other babies yet, and I have yet to reach Ella's first birthday...but I can assume that day will always be hard, because our children will never be here, and they should be. We will always be works in progress, I think. Keep your chin up.


  • At July 28, 2009 10:57 AM, Blogger Scrappy_Lady said…

    I think most people are a work in progress (or should be, lol). Nothing wrong with wanting to make things better.

    Also, I think it's completely right for you to still have feelings about Ryan and what should be his upcoming birthday.

    Megan is a wonderful blessing, but in no way can she be a replacement for what you've lost. The joy and love you find in her cannot completely fill the void created by losing Ryan. Realizing that, I think, doesn't need to make you any less thankful for Meg, or love her any less, it's just the honest realization that there will always be a place for Ryan.

    It all sounds completely reasonable to me. (Although, who knows, maybe I'm way off base.)

    Lots of love coming your way now and always.

  • At July 29, 2009 11:15 AM, Blogger msfitzita said…

    A work in progress. Exactly. Me too. Always.

    ((((((HUGS)))))) and lots of love to you as you face the next few weeks and sweet Ryan's birthday.


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