The great pretender
That's the conclusion I've arrived at.
I've spent the better part of the last three years merely pretending I was okay and "better," but I couldn't be further from that.
There's a tremendous amount of guilt that I shoulder - that I still feel this way after grieving for so long. And, especially since I've finally received the sweetest of blessings in the form of Megan. She's saved me from myself in many ways, but she's not the cure-all, end-all as some people would believe. There's still a giant, empty hole in my heart, filled with infinite sadness.
My sadness ebbs and flows. But, most of the time I can't be who I really am. I can't be that desperately sad mother who still longs for her baby boy. I can't be in a somber mood around the masses and instead put on a half-hearted smile to spare them all the angst in my heart.
I've spent the last few months curled up in my shell, where I know I'm safe - where I can be me. Where I don't have to answer the never-ending, "What's wrong?" or "Are you alright?"
I'm tired of pretending I'm someone that everyone else wants me to be.
I've spent the better part of the last three years merely pretending I was okay and "better," but I couldn't be further from that.
There's a tremendous amount of guilt that I shoulder - that I still feel this way after grieving for so long. And, especially since I've finally received the sweetest of blessings in the form of Megan. She's saved me from myself in many ways, but she's not the cure-all, end-all as some people would believe. There's still a giant, empty hole in my heart, filled with infinite sadness.
My sadness ebbs and flows. But, most of the time I can't be who I really am. I can't be that desperately sad mother who still longs for her baby boy. I can't be in a somber mood around the masses and instead put on a half-hearted smile to spare them all the angst in my heart.
I've spent the last few months curled up in my shell, where I know I'm safe - where I can be me. Where I don't have to answer the never-ending, "What's wrong?" or "Are you alright?"
I'm tired of pretending I'm someone that everyone else wants me to be.
Labels: grief, pretending
posted by Sherry @ 1/19/2009 04:23:00 PM
8 Comments:
At January 19, 2009 7:24 PM,
Lynette said…
Sherry,
I know, easier said than done, but don't pretend anymore.
You are a mother who has lived through every mother's worst nightmare and come out on the other side. Yes, there are people (stupid people) who expect you to act like nothing ever happened or for you to be "over it," but, honestly, how does anyone ever get "over it?"
I had the privilege of knowing all my great-grandmothers. One of my great-grandmother, who died when I was 15, lost a little girl days after the girl was born, and it wasn't something she ever totally got over. Did she think about it every moment of every day? No, but was it always simmering on the edge? Absolutely. She healed, but she often said that it snuck up on her at the most unexpected of times and the grief was the same as it was that day. She had eight other children...four before and four after. On her tombstone, it says "Beloved mother of..." and lists all of her children's names. Including Hope because Hope was her daughter, even if she was only her daughter for a matter of days.
Ryan was your son, and even though it was for a matter of day, that doesn't matter. You are his mother. You will always be his mother, and his loss will always be huge.
It's been less than four years since you lost Ryan. My great-grandmother was 102 when she died. She lost Hope when she was in her late twenties or early thirties. She never forgot,she never fully got over it, but she did heal, I think, in part, because she did have other children.
Anyone who expects any mother to get over the loss of their child is insane. Don't be the great pretender. Be Sherry. Even if that means Sherry isn't the Sherry everyone wants. It's the Sherry you need to be. To heal.
At January 19, 2009 10:02 PM,
prayers4z said…
Michele put that so wonderfully. You be who you need to be and your friends and loved ones will love you and be there for you. ((HUGS))
At January 19, 2009 11:52 PM,
msfitzita said…
I don't think anyone expects you to be anyone other than who you are. Who you REALLY are.
And if they do, they're not worth your time and energy.
I agree with Michele and Jelly - just be who you are; who you need to be.
You will always be a mother in mourning. People need to understand and accept that, no matter how many good things have happened to you since Ryan died, and no matter how many happy things happen from this moment on.
He will always be missing. And you will always miss him.
No reasonable person of any depth wants you to pretend otherwise.
(((((HUGS)))))
At January 20, 2009 10:34 AM,
Catherine said…
Do you know why you feel like you have to pretend?
I'm not a real fan of Dr. Phil, but he has this one line that I always remember...We teach people how to treat us. I think that's so true of deadbaby mamas. I think we have to exhibit more strength dealing with other people than in any other aspect of the grieving process. And I know, it's an exhausting lesson to have to teach anyone when you're already so tired from grieving...but I would venture a guess that the pretending option is more exhausting because it isn't honest.
Be honest with the people around you. I'm sure they love you and want what's best for you...even if that means they don't see smiles and rainbows all the time from you. Sadly, not everyone will be able to deal with the new you...But you have to ask yourself if you really need someone in your life who can't love the true you...the honest you.
At January 20, 2009 1:10 PM,
Scrappy_Lady said…
((hugs))
I cannot say anything nearly as eloquently as the others, but do want to pass on my love to you.
At January 21, 2009 7:42 AM,
Lori said…
((hugs)) Sherry. I can't say it nearly as well as Michele did so I'll just ditto it.
Be you.
At January 21, 2009 4:04 PM,
Doodle - said…
Sherry - Michele, CK, and Catherine said everything. Many HUGS!!!!!!
At January 23, 2009 7:51 PM,
a rogers said…
Sherry,
Even though Michele summed it up very well, I will say that my mother (who passed away in 2006) lost a baby girl at 11 days of age due to what was called a "heart murmur" then. Up until the year she passed away, she visited that grave every chance she could and even after 50 years I'd often see her crying. Every Christmas Day she always made a trip to the cemetary to take a flower. She saved the outfit she wore home from the hospital long after it was yellowed with age. You are among a large, neverending group of grieving mothers who will never forget or understand loosing their children. I'd just say let your true feeling show whenever need be..those who love you will understand and those that don't know you can think what they may. God bless you and your little family.
A. Rogers
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