Ryan was here ...



My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.


Friday, October 10, 2008

Cat's got my tongue

... Or, whatever the expression would be for fingers that can't properly receive the message from the brain in order to type out the words.

Whatever you want to call it, I have it. This inability to get the words from Point A (gray matter) to Point B (fingers).

Well, that's not entirely true. I think contributing to my writer's block is fearing that I'll be judged once again by what I write here. Admittedly, I don't think I've entirely recovered from the verbal beating I suffered two years ago at the hands of an empty soul who felt it their place to judge me. Even though I can sometimes come across as a feisty little thing, I'm actually more of a delicate flower when it comes to matters of the heart and can bruise quite easily.

There's lots of confusion in this deep ocean which is my head. The waters are still murky and the surf is still rough, despite the safe arrival of Megan. Having one wonderful thing happen in your life doesn't cancel out all the bad things that have happened. If only it were that easy ...

I need to write. I need to be able to dig deep down into my soul once again to free myself of the angst that still weighs so heavily on my heart, but the words just don't come out right.

I am still here, floating around aimlessly in the blog world. And, I've been quietly following many of your journeys, so please don't leave me stranded while I'm figuring out how to fix what's broken under my hood.

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5 Comments:

  • At October 10, 2008 10:42 PM, Blogger a rogers said…

    Sherry,
    Good to hear from you again. What's broken is not under your hood...it's under your heart and it's probably not fixable but I know you're trying...I don't know if you are familiar with the CaringBridge sites (www.caringbridge.org.) It's mostly for families who have lost children to cancer but I don't think that any way a child is lost is any less devastating than another. I wish you'd go to the site and type in the name Jessica Randall (no space between names). When you get to her "homepage", go to Read Journal, scroll down to the entry date October 1 and scroll down again to the entry entitled "The Gap". I think reading it will be good for you!!

    Take care and post another picture of "Gummy" when you can AND try not to let anything someone said hurt you or keep you from posting your true feelings. No one can know your suffering until they've walked in your shoes!

    Ann Rogers

     
  • At October 10, 2008 11:51 PM, Blogger Des said…

    I think you have such a great way with words. Please don't let someone else make you feel bad about how you deal with your grief. No one has the right to judge anyone else, ever. (((HUGS)))

     
  • At October 11, 2008 12:24 AM, Blogger Margaret said…

    Just wanted to offer a hug and say hi.

     
  • At October 14, 2008 4:47 PM, Blogger Scrappy_Lady said…

    I'm so sorry you're struggling Sherry. ((hugs))

    What you've said about one good thing not being able to take away all the bad seems perfectly logical to me. I hope you're able to use this blog to sort through all that; all those feelings you must have.

    We're here. Ready to listen whenever you're ready.

     
  • At October 15, 2008 3:03 PM, Blogger Rosepetal said…

    I think this is fairly typical after having a subsequent living child - I certainly feel the same way and I know others do too.

    (((Hugs)))

     

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