It's different this time

As Ryan's third birthday looms ever closer, I'm realizing how differently I feel this year compared with the two previous years. And, I feel worse instead of better.

I really expected Megan's presence to soften this year's August blow, but instead I'm finding myself grieving for Ryan in a new way.

When Ryan died, I grieved not only for the little life that was lost, but for all the things that Mike and I lost as parents. We were only able to imagine what we'd missed, but didn't really understand or appreciate just how much we'd missed till Megan arrived. Now, a new side of that grief has emerged and the emotion behind it is as raw as what I felt when Ryan first died. I feel like I've lost him all over again, because I have seen and experienced so much with Megan, and all of that is nothing more than dashed hopes and dreams with Ryan. No little giggles and goofy grins; no little songs to share; no milestones to enter into the baby book. Just lots of bittersweet memories and stinging tears.

I'm also feeling and fearing that some people in my life have forgotten him now that his sister is here. I sense it in a lot of things that people say to me - as if her arrival erased him from others' memories or thoughts. I suppose those people might be trying to spare my already-weary heart and head, but it hurts more to think that people want to brush his memory aside as if he didn't matter.

I guess it's really true with this grieving thing, that sometimes you take one step forward and two steps back. But, right now, I feel like I just stepped back into a bottomless pit.