My other "friends"

I'm back ... kind-of.

Well, I guess I never really left. I've just been silently sitting in my own little corner, wondering how I got here.

It's been almost five years (God, that realization takes my breathe away), and I still don't know how I should feel about all that's happened in that time. I've lived through a heartbreak I never imagined I'd have the strength to survive, and while it's still a daily struggle to push forward, I manage to find joy in the simple things, despite my perpetually heavy heart.

I still miss my boy oh so much. He's never far from my thoughts.

I'm realizing that this grieving thing has me chasing my tail far too often. Just when I think I've conquered a "step" in the process, I'm right back where I started, trying to understand all of it and deal with my feelings.

It's probably magnified, too, because of the timing of my current pregnancy. I find myself reliving so many of those final weeks with Ryan, since he and this little Jellybean were due just days apart. I'm so worried about history repeating itself and losing another piece of my soul. I don't know how to shake off that fear and pretend I'm okay while doing all these last-minute preparations for something that could be yanked away as easily as Ryan was.

Worry, sadness, anxiety, fear. They're my closest friends lately and know me better than anyone. It's funny how you can sometimes mistake your demons for your friends ...

No, really ...

I am still around. As I've said in previous entries, I just don't know what to say anymore. It's been more than four years since Ryan died and while some of my feelings have been resolved, others might never be. So, do I continue to chase my tail by posting the same concerns, or do I just sit back and wait for something better to write about?

I chose to sit back for the past six months or so. And I'm not sure why I picked now to break my silence.

I'm newly pregnant and doing some back-tracking and fighting my demons again, which might account for why I picked now to sit and type out my thoughts. I'm not as bad as I was with Megan - at least not so far - but it's still difficult and I can't help but worry for this newest little bean. There's just so much that could happen - that HAS happened - that I can't ever be blissfully pregnant. That phrase seems like an oxymoron in my world. And, I'm envious of those women who really are blissful and pregnant at the same time. I can't even imagine how that feels ...

I made it through another Christmas without my boy, but there was definitely more joy than sadness this year. And while most of my happiness wasn't forced, there was some of it that I put on for Megan's benefit. She didn't deserve anything less than a happy Christmas, so I had to put my heavy heart aside for her - and because Ryan would want me to be happy, no matter what. I just wish it wasn't so trying to be happy.

Celebrating our little boy

Last Saturday, we attended the fourth annual butterfly release, which is sponsored by the local hospital where Ryan was treated. After last year's horrible experience of receiving an already-dead butterfly to release, I was initially apprehensive to go this year. But, I didn't want last year's memory to put a damper on our yearly tradition, which is about Ryan and not me, so I put those bad feelings aside and instead celebrated the memory of our sweet little boy.

We, as parents with empty arms, couldn't have asked for a more perfect day to gather and honor our lost babies. There's something soothing about being surrounded by others who understand the sadness that's permanently taken hold of our heavy hearts. As we looked at the other families in attendance, we knew that they, too, had lost a precious baby. Some were heart babies, like Ryan, while others came too soon for their time.

We cried. We prayed. And, then we released our little butterfly and watched as he flitted up into the heavens.

It's different this time

As Ryan's third birthday looms ever closer, I'm realizing how differently I feel this year compared with the two previous years. And, I feel worse instead of better.

I really expected Megan's presence to soften this year's August blow, but instead I'm finding myself grieving for Ryan in a new way.

When Ryan died, I grieved not only for the little life that was lost, but for all the things that Mike and I lost as parents. We were only able to imagine what we'd missed, but didn't really understand or appreciate just how much we'd missed till Megan arrived. Now, a new side of that grief has emerged and the emotion behind it is as raw as what I felt when Ryan first died. I feel like I've lost him all over again, because I have seen and experienced so much with Megan, and all of that is nothing more than dashed hopes and dreams with Ryan. No little giggles and goofy grins; no little songs to share; no milestones to enter into the baby book. Just lots of bittersweet memories and stinging tears.

I'm also feeling and fearing that some people in my life have forgotten him now that his sister is here. I sense it in a lot of things that people say to me - as if her arrival erased him from others' memories or thoughts. I suppose those people might be trying to spare my already-weary heart and head, but it hurts more to think that people want to brush his memory aside as if he didn't matter.

I guess it's really true with this grieving thing, that sometimes you take one step forward and two steps back. But, right now, I feel like I just stepped back into a bottomless pit.

It's that time of year

It's August.

Need I say more?

Still battling those demons

After my last entry and the many insightful comments I received (thank you!), I thought it best to take some time to evaluate why I blog. There's no question I blog for myself - or at least that's been my goal. And, as it reads in my sidebar, this is my space to work through my feelings, as strange and difficult as they may be. So, here I'll remain.

The past few weeks have been difficult and I've spent a lot of time trying to reconcile my feelings over lots of things, mostly related to Ryan and his little sister. As excited as I am about her arrival, in the same instance I'm incredibly sad about Ryan's absence. At times it feels that the further I progress into this pregnancy, the further I'm taken from Ryan. It's like I'm in the middle of a never-ending game of tug o' war.

It's really difficult to fully embrace this pregnancy, because I feel like I'm turning my back on my little boy if I do. I know he'll always be in my heart and be a huge part of who I've become as a person and as a mother, but I feel quite guilty about being so excited about little Gummy's arrival.

When I try to sort through these feelings, my logic kicks in and I wonder why I'm torturing myself with these thoughts in the first place. But, the guilt is there, nonetheless, and no amount of common sense does me any good in lessening that guilt.

But, in Gummy's defense, she deserves the same anticipation that I felt for Ryan. The loss of his little life shouldn't overshadow the joy Gummy's has brought into our lives. And, I feel confident that Ryan would want that for his little sister, too.

Maybe I feel that I'm choosing one child over another, a sometimes common issue for mothers. Ugh - I just don't know. I only know that I've been missing Ryan in a way I haven't felt in a long time, and my feelings are a jumbled mess.

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A good while back I blogged about clearing out Ryan's room and how Mike was adamant about not getting rid of Ryan's things. At the time, I tried to look at it objectively, pointing out that everything in that room is just "stuff" and not our little boy. We donated a good bit of onesies and other miscellaneous items in the first weeks after we lost Ryan, but we hadn't touched anything since then.

Two weekends ago we decided it was time to clear some things from the dresser drawers - in part to make room for Gummy, to put aside some mementoes of Ryan, and to give away anything we didn't feel attached to.

The task proved to be much bigger than I had anticipated, and I easily went through a box of tissues as we painstakingly went through each piece of clothing, blankie, and toy we had picked out especially for Ryan. No, it wasn't "him," but it was if it was, since we have so few tangible reminders of him. And, it felt so wrong to be going through someone's things who never even got a chance to use them.

Mike and I were feeling very selfish that day and ended up keeping far more than I had expected we would. It turned out not to be just "stuff" after all. Maybe we saved more than we should have, but I figure that later down the road we may decide that we can part with more. But, for now, we have that safety blanket that makes both of us comfortable.

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Things have been going so smoothly that it's almost scary. No, I'm not looking for something to go wrong, but it seems so strange that everything is so right, after all that's gone awry for us. But, this wonderful blessing has helped to renew some of my faith that we'll finally have a happy ending.

Some. I still have a ways to go, but I'm on my way.

Happy Birthday, Ry

All my love to you on your second birthday, my beloved little butterfly.

Always and forever,

Mommy