Ryan was here ...

My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Leaping further

Today marks 26 weeks into my pregnancy. Some days, the time seems to have flown by, while other days, it's dragging at a snail's pace. Just 13 weeks to go till we, hopefully, get to meet our little glimmer of hope.

Otherwise, we're trying to make plans like any other expectant parents - only, we're not quite like most expectant parents. We've made a few purchases for Gummy, but we're still a little reluctant to do too much, just in case it all blows up in our faces again. It may not, but we're treading lightly nonetheless.

Gummy's changing table arrived two weeks ago, but we haven't assembled it yet. We're still working on a way to repaint the nursery, but leave some of the blue and tan paint that we used for Ryan. Not an easy feat, considering the colors we're considering using are purple and pink and don't exactly complement the existing colors.

I can't remember if I've shared nursery pictures before, but here's how Ryan's room looked, ready for his homecoming:





I'm finally feeling movement from within and it's upped my reassurance level even more. She's already developing her own little routine so I know when to expect the daily kick-fest to begin. I love all the activity, but wish she wouldn't choose 4am to literally bounce off her walls. And, I experienced my first Braxton-Hicks contraction today, too. Might not sound like a big deal to most, but considering I never had them with Ryan and even my labor contractions were almost non-existent, I see this as a pretty big thing.

Here's how I looked as of three weeks ago:


My next OB appointment is tomorrow morning, and I should receive a definite C-section date.


Maybe all of this is going to work out after all.

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Friday, February 08, 2008

Wedded bliss

Today marks five years since Mike and I tied the knot. We're in love as much today - if not more - as we were that wonderful day in 2003, despite traveling some rough roads together. We've weathered some pretty bad storms and have come out on the other side, all while tightly holding on to each other's hand.

I feel like the luckiest girl alive.

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Saturday, February 02, 2008

Still battling those demons

After my last entry and the many insightful comments I received (thank you!), I thought it best to take some time to evaluate why I blog. There's no question I blog for myself - or at least that's been my goal. And, as it reads in my sidebar, this is my space to work through my feelings, as strange and difficult as they may be. So, here I'll remain.

The past few weeks have been difficult and I've spent a lot of time trying to reconcile my feelings over lots of things, mostly related to Ryan and his little sister. As excited as I am about her arrival, in the same instance I'm incredibly sad about Ryan's absence. At times it feels that the further I progress into this pregnancy, the further I'm taken from Ryan. It's like I'm in the middle of a never-ending game of tug o' war.

It's really difficult to fully embrace this pregnancy, because I feel like I'm turning my back on my little boy if I do. I know he'll always be in my heart and be a huge part of who I've become as a person and as a mother, but I feel quite guilty about being so excited about little Gummy's arrival.

When I try to sort through these feelings, my logic kicks in and I wonder why I'm torturing myself with these thoughts in the first place. But, the guilt is there, nonetheless, and no amount of common sense does me any good in lessening that guilt.

But, in Gummy's defense, she deserves the same anticipation that I felt for Ryan. The loss of his little life shouldn't overshadow the joy Gummy's has brought into our lives. And, I feel confident that Ryan would want that for his little sister, too.

Maybe I feel that I'm choosing one child over another, a sometimes common issue for mothers. Ugh - I just don't know. I only know that I've been missing Ryan in a way I haven't felt in a long time, and my feelings are a jumbled mess.


A good while back I blogged about clearing out Ryan's room and how Mike was adamant about not getting rid of Ryan's things. At the time, I tried to look at it objectively, pointing out that everything in that room is just "stuff" and not our little boy. We donated a good bit of onesies and other miscellaneous items in the first weeks after we lost Ryan, but we hadn't touched anything since then.

Two weekends ago we decided it was time to clear some things from the dresser drawers - in part to make room for Gummy, to put aside some mementoes of Ryan, and to give away anything we didn't feel attached to.

The task proved to be much bigger than I had anticipated, and I easily went through a box of tissues as we painstakingly went through each piece of clothing, blankie, and toy we had picked out especially for Ryan. No, it wasn't "him," but it was if it was, since we have so few tangible reminders of him. And, it felt so wrong to be going through someone's things who never even got a chance to use them.

Mike and I were feeling very selfish that day and ended up keeping far more than I had expected we would. It turned out not to be just "stuff" after all. Maybe we saved more than we should have, but I figure that later down the road we may decide that we can part with more. But, for now, we have that safety blanket that makes both of us comfortable.


Things have been going so smoothly that it's almost scary. No, I'm not looking for something to go wrong, but it seems so strange that everything is so right, after all that's gone awry for us. But, this wonderful blessing has helped to renew some of my faith that we'll finally have a happy ending.

Some. I still have a ways to go, but I'm on my way.

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