Ryan was here ...

My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Welcome back

Today is Mike's first day back at work and my first here at home alone. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but it's been much harder than I was expecting.

It's just past 12:30 p.m. and I've barely accomplished a thing in the past five hours. I drank a cup of coffee. I fiddled with my cell phone settings. I talked to Mike for five minutes. I got myself dressed and ready for the day. And I've done a load of laundry. Not much for five hours, huh? I keep getting distracted with thoughts of Ryan and drift off to some far corner in my head for a few minutes. Once I snap out of it, I forget what I had been doing before the daydream and end up wandering aimlessly around my house, trying to figure out what project I want to tackle next.

I hate feeling this way. It was getting easier to have more up moments, and now today I feel as though I've taken a complete turn for the worse.

My house is so eerily quiet. I know it was just as quiet before August 9, but today it's painfully silent.

I'm really missing Mike, too. I can't wait for him to get home today so I can just wrap my arms around him and cry into his chest.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Another door opens ...

I had always kept diaries and journals over the years, but I never imagined I'd be using an electronic version - ever. Admittedly, it is nice being able to change my words at will by hitting the "delete" key instead of looking back over my written work, only to discover an omission or a better way to construct my sentence. No more strike-throughs or White-Out necessary.

I probably wouldn't have been open to an online journal before now, but a gal I "know" writes with such ease and openness in her Blogs that I felt inspired to give it a whirl. I just wish my current subject matter was of a happier kind.

I'm mourning the death of my newborn son, Ryan David. He was called back to Heaven on August 11, just two days after his joyous arrival. I'm still having a hard time accepting that my pregnancy ended in such a tragic way, but with each passing day, it's the teeniest bit easier to look at the positive instead of the negative. Plus, I don't think Ryan would like me dwelling on the bad - there was so much pure goodness and beauty about him!

This really isn't how I wanted my inaugural entry to read, but this is my reality at the moment, as unpleasant as it may be. Hopefully my grief and sadness will lessen with time - LOTS of time - so there will be more upbeat entries to come. Just be patient ...