Ryan was here ...

My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

How COULD they?!

I've been sitting on some powerful emotions for the last month regarding a situation that I view as inexcusable and reprehensible, and I need to rant and generally be angry about another's actions. I try really hard not to judge others, but in this case, I can't put my very personal feelings aside and overlook what they did.

I "met" a woman about a year ago through one of the online infant loss forums I frequent, and my heart immediately went out to her last month when I learned that her daughter was born too soon and passed after just six days. Her infant son had died just last August and she had experienced several second-trimester losses before that.

As much as my heart aches over losing Ryan, I've never been able to fathom what multiple losses would be like and can't even imagine the deep pain that comes with saying goodbye to more than one baby. So, to think that a person out in the vastness of cyberspace would masquerade as a mom to only heavenly babies makes my stomach turn.

Yes, someone pretended to be a member of the Dead Baby Club. And, that person preyed on the emotions of legitimate mourning moms and moms-to-be on multiple online forums by peddling her fabricated stories of woe and loss. She was pretty convincing for a while, so it's no wonder it took so long to uncover the truth.

As a card-carrying member of DBC, I'd never question another person's tale of loss and would assume their pain and grief was real and heart-felt, just as my own is. And, to question a story of loss seems innately wrong to me, so I gave the benefit of the doubt and thanked my lucky stars that I hadn't been dealt THAT tough hand.

This woman (or so I'm assuming) has seemingly disappeared from these online forums, but not without a widespread trail of confused hearts and angry minds. Why on earth would someone WANT to be a dead baby mama, when those of us who had to say goodbye to our beloved babies would give anything to cuddle and caress our little ones just one minute longer? It's infuriating that someone would pretend to have walked in the same shoes as me and many of my friends - and take advantage of our broken hearts.

We moms in mourning don't have a lot of spare good thoughts and emotion to dole out to just anyone. We're forever nursing our own deep wounds, but we rally ourselves together and dig deep into our souls to offer all we do have to someone we can relate to - someone who tragically loses child after child.

To find out that it was all a joke is such an insult. I shed real tears for this woman and the baby that supposedly died. I said prayers for strength and healing for her, and prayers of thanks for myself that despite losing Ryan, I have Megan in my life. Yes, I was a fool to believe such a far-fetched story, but some wolves wear pretty convincing sheep's clothing.

I hope that person accomplished whatever it was they were trying to do. When I first discovered the real truth, I felt badly for this woman, because I wondered if at one point she had experienced a real loss and never truly recovered emotionally. I can see that as a a possibility, but, frankly, my angered mind doesn't care about the logic behind the misguided actions. She lied and toyed with my emotions and I don't take kindly to that. And, this experience has planted a seed of doubt in my mind that I cannot squash - that others will come down the pike and pretend to have lost a baby only to gain attention and be pitied by others.

Yes, I'm having a difficult time reconciling all of this in my mind and letting it go. It's difficult to do when you've become emotionally invested and can't just sever the powerful lifeline that leads to those feelings. It's not a switch that I can quickly turn off and forget about. I wish it were that easy, though ...

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