Ryan was here ...

My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Am I still welcome here?

That might sound like a strange question, since it's not like Ryan will suddenly be alive one day and my membership in this "club" will be revoked. But, since I've had one Rainbow baby and am hoping to have another in a mere 18 weeks, I almost feel like my membership is a bit of a fraud to those mothers who haven't ever welcomed their Rainbow baby.

It's very confusing for me to reconcile in my mind. Yes, on one hand I'm a card-carrying member because I lost my son. But on the other hand, I was fortunate enough to go on to have a living child ... and maybe even another, if the fates allow. Have I canceled out my membership because of that? Do other moms in mourning resent my presence in the club?

Really, I don't know what to think.

I do feel as though I'm viewed differently though. I can't put my finger on it, but it feels different. In an unwelcome sort of way.

But, I can't beat myself up because I was fortunate enough to be sent two blessings after Ryan. Two healthy blessings. And, those blessings don't erase all the pain I still carry in my aching heart, nor do they negate the loss of that little person who made me a mother in the first place. Still, I feel guilty ... like I'm suddenly an intruder where I was once openly welcome.

This shit really doesn't get easier. Just different.

Labels: , ,


  • At March 23, 2010 12:24 AM, Blogger Heather said…

    I was fortunate enough to have a living daughter born before my son was stillborn the following year. I've often felt guilty, like others view me as selfish for not being happy with the one I had, because well...at least I had a living child. Or that some thought I was lucky because at least I didn't have to go full term (6 months gestated) or have a living child only to have them die a few days later...that I was lucky to have lost him before he became even more real. Or that i was lucky I lost him since he would have been so handicapped. But none of that mattered to me. And having a living child...I've said it before, one doesn't cancel out the other. Even in the beam that is the sunlight of my daughter, I stand in the shadow that is my son. So yes, I say you are still welcome here, and I say congratulations on your Rainbows, may you have as many as you can handle! http://mystolenlight.blogspot.com

  • At March 23, 2010 12:44 AM, Blogger asplashofsunshine said…

    I am a first time visitor to the blog. I don't usually comment on blogs, but I will now. I can not pretend to know what it is like to walk in your shoes or those of any person that has lost a child. I can not fathom the loss, the pain... all of the emotions. Who knows what anyone else feels or thinks about the "club". I love the previous comment by Heather. You will always belong to the Loving Mommy club no matter what!!! Yes, I did just make up the Loving Mommy club... perhaps I should start one. Hmmmm.

  • At March 23, 2010 9:29 AM, Blogger Catherine said…

    I think it's just another piece that we have to integrate...guilt about happiness in the life after the sorrow. I think it's normal. At least, I hope it is. :o)

    Just know that, just like before, you're not alone if you need us.

  • At March 24, 2010 3:38 PM, Blogger diana said…

    I've been reading for a long time, but I don't think I ever made a comment.
    I never lost a child, so I speak from my mind and that part of my heart responsible for compassion, but not from being there.
    In this world of baby lost mothers, you have your place forever. Your daughter and this unborn baby are not erasing Ryan, they are making him even more, a big brother. And you are his mother no matter what. He's your first born!
    May I say, you kept your ingenuity along; your posts didn't slip into any other subject but this empty place, forever warm, where Ryan should be seated at your dinner table.
    Can I say that I have hopes for a healthy baby for you and Megan (and your husband, of course), and that the joy you'll have and the routine that will sweep you will bring you some apeasement, that your wound will get some crust, so as not to be like you're wearing your crushed heart in the wind, aching at every breeze? I really, really hope this!
    All the sisterly love of another mother of three for you!


Post a Comment

<< Home