Ryan was here ...

My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Remembering an angel

Please take a moment and visit Kristin to let her know you're remembering her angel, Thomas, and wishing him the sweetest of fourth birthdays.

Happy birthday, Thomas Joseph. You're missed so much today - and every day. XO


Friday, March 06, 2009

Erasing the past?

For quite a while now, I've considered retouching my favorite picture of Ryan - the close-up that highlights his beautiful blue eyes and his tousled blonde locks. That picture, to me, captured Ryan in all his innocence, despite the complex world that enveloped him.

I see beyond all of the contraptions that were thrust upon him almost from the moment he took his first breath. Yes, I see the jungle of surgical tape, tubes and wires, too, but they aren't the only things I see anymore. But, the harsh reality is that all those things were an enormous part of his existence. Without them, we would've had even less time together.

There are times, though, that I wish I had a "normal" baby portrait of him on the wall - one that's free of the complicated web of lifelines that surrounded him during his short life. One where the majority of his precious face isn't covered in surgical tape - or one that's minus the tape, but where he's still alive.

God, the things we would've done differently, had we known that those 54 hours would be all the time we'd ever have. Sometimes, even after all the time that's passed, it's difficult to wrap my head around all of it and believe that it actually happened. That it actually happened to my beloved little Peanut.

Getting back to my original dilemma ... I don't know how I feel about retouching that photo. As much as I would love to have an uncomplicated, innocent picture of him to savor, to take those things away would be like trying to erase part of the past. Obviously, I'll never forget all the machines and monitors that sustained his little life. But, do I need to actually see those reminders every time I look at Ryan's face and relive all that happened?

Would erasing those things make him more of a fantasy rather than real, since the Ryan I knew and loved was tethered to countless machines. Or, does it matter at all. Really, does it?