Ryan was here ...

My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Am I still welcome here?

That might sound like a strange question, since it's not like Ryan will suddenly be alive one day and my membership in this "club" will be revoked. But, since I've had one Rainbow baby and am hoping to have another in a mere 18 weeks, I almost feel like my membership is a bit of a fraud to those mothers who haven't ever welcomed their Rainbow baby.

It's very confusing for me to reconcile in my mind. Yes, on one hand I'm a card-carrying member because I lost my son. But on the other hand, I was fortunate enough to go on to have a living child ... and maybe even another, if the fates allow. Have I canceled out my membership because of that? Do other moms in mourning resent my presence in the club?

Really, I don't know what to think.

I do feel as though I'm viewed differently though. I can't put my finger on it, but it feels different. In an unwelcome sort of way.

But, I can't beat myself up because I was fortunate enough to be sent two blessings after Ryan. Two healthy blessings. And, those blessings don't erase all the pain I still carry in my aching heart, nor do they negate the loss of that little person who made me a mother in the first place. Still, I feel guilty ... like I'm suddenly an intruder where I was once openly welcome.

This shit really doesn't get easier. Just different.

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