Ryan was here ...

My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.

Monday, March 19, 2007

I took my job and shoved it

I ain't working there no more.

On Friday, I decided that three years was enough of being treated like a whipping boy, so I walked out on my job at the end of the workday.

The unfortunate thing about it is that my boss wasn't in the office Friday afternoon, so my news was shared with his wife, who was completely blind-sided by my words. I did feel a pang of guilt, as the boss' wife has always been very sweet to me (both personally and professionally) and was in no way responsible for my discontent over my job. And, although I did what some may view as a career no-no, I felt I had no choice and had to put myself and my health first, since no one else was going to do that for me.

I've written about my job in the past, but I had tried to curb my job-bashing in recent months in hopes that if I didn't dwell on only the negative my job might do an about-face and actually improve. No such luck.

That was clearly wishful thinking on my part and nothing more, since my boss' behavior had grown worse and even more intolerable over the last two years. The list of his character flaws is sad and long, and rather than picking them apart one by one, let's just suffice to say that my departure was due to irreconcilable differences.

I do feel the need, though, to clarify that my leaving abruptly is completely out of character for me, as my career is one area in my life where my strong ethics have never wavered. But sometimes we need to compromise our belief system in order to do the ultimate right thing; in this case, the right thing was putting myself, my dignity, my family, and my health first. My boss was doing none of those things for me (and never, ever would have) so I felt it was time for me to take control and get out from under that dark cloud.

A lot of bad things happened while I was at this job, and it always amazed me how unsupportive my boss and my immediate co-worker were regarding my unfortunate circumstances. My miscarriage in 2004 was an inconvenience to them both, so one can only imagine how Ryan's death and my absence immediately following was received. When I shared the news of my dad's unexpected passing last summer, the response was less than sympathetic, while their inconvenience at another one of my absences was made abundantly clear. Considering I spend nearly one-third of my life at my job, I think it's most important that I enjoy - and not merely endure - that precious time.

So, as I write this entry, I'm actually able to enjoy my morning coffee and appreciate the rising sun, rather than preparing myself for a difficult day dealing with impossible people who revel in others' misery.

I do have a plan in the works, but it's not quite ready for its unveiling. It's a venture that I have considered for a good, long while and maybe the discontent of my job was the motivation I needed to put my plan in motion.

This is a huge step out of my comfort zone, but I have the full support of my wonderful husband to lean on during this transition. I'm ever-so-grateful of his faith in me, which at times has been far stronger than my own belief in myself and my abilities. With that kind of support, I know I'll be okay, no matter what the future brings.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to shuffle downstairs - in my slippers - for a refill of java that I won't need to hide from a cranky boss.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Caution: Broken-down woman ahead

We're back from a birthday dinner for one of Mike's former co-workers, and I feel like someone kicked me in the gut ... repeatedly.

Why, you may ask?

Well, there was a newborn at the table ... I mean, the makeshift table that consisted of several tables squeezed together to accommodate the entire party. And, since we were the last guests to arrive, where do you think the only open seats were?

If you guessed next to the baby, you would be right.

For fuck's sake, who did I piss off today to have THAT happen?

I tried stifling my tears the entire time, but it was useless. I was desperate to dull my aching and longing for my own little boy, so I succumbed to a tall, stiff drink - a Long Island iced tea, to be exact - but even that couldn't quell the tremendous amount of sadness that emerged once I saw that little one.

I tried to suck in my tears and force the lump in my throat back down into the pit of my stomach, but my emotions were stronger than my will to not let them show, and before I could do anything to stop it, I had tears streaming down my face in the middle of a crowded restaurant.

I'm sure the birthday girl didn't expect that little surprise. It's rather doubtful that we'll have any social invitations extended to us any time soon after my little public breakdown. Really, who wants to deal with that - or even worry about whether or not they'll have to deal with it.

Of course, the other thing that made it nearly impossible to contain my emotions, was that seeing that mom with her baby made me feel like a complete and utter failure as a mother and a woman.

Even though I know no one at the party was talking about our "situation," the awkwardness of the moment made me paranoid that that was exactly what people were doing. I couldn't stop fidgeting. I nervously dug in my purse, looking for anything to distract me from the pain and sorrow that had once again found me.

It was one of those horrible moments that sent me into an unexpected tailspin, and there was nothing that could prevent it.

P.S. I don't know about the rest of you Bloggers, but this "new" Blogger is for the birds. Once again I say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Just cuz something is old doesn't mean it doesn't work and needs updating to something that's more problematic and confusing, but offered under the guise of being "better."