Ryan was here ...



My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.


Thursday, March 15, 2007

Caution: Broken-down woman ahead

We're back from a birthday dinner for one of Mike's former co-workers, and I feel like someone kicked me in the gut ... repeatedly.

Why, you may ask?

Well, there was a newborn at the table ... I mean, the makeshift table that consisted of several tables squeezed together to accommodate the entire party. And, since we were the last guests to arrive, where do you think the only open seats were?

If you guessed next to the baby, you would be right.

For fuck's sake, who did I piss off today to have THAT happen?

I tried stifling my tears the entire time, but it was useless. I was desperate to dull my aching and longing for my own little boy, so I succumbed to a tall, stiff drink - a Long Island iced tea, to be exact - but even that couldn't quell the tremendous amount of sadness that emerged once I saw that little one.

I tried to suck in my tears and force the lump in my throat back down into the pit of my stomach, but my emotions were stronger than my will to not let them show, and before I could do anything to stop it, I had tears streaming down my face in the middle of a crowded restaurant.

I'm sure the birthday girl didn't expect that little surprise. It's rather doubtful that we'll have any social invitations extended to us any time soon after my little public breakdown. Really, who wants to deal with that - or even worry about whether or not they'll have to deal with it.

Of course, the other thing that made it nearly impossible to contain my emotions, was that seeing that mom with her baby made me feel like a complete and utter failure as a mother and a woman.

Even though I know no one at the party was talking about our "situation," the awkwardness of the moment made me paranoid that that was exactly what people were doing. I couldn't stop fidgeting. I nervously dug in my purse, looking for anything to distract me from the pain and sorrow that had once again found me.

It was one of those horrible moments that sent me into an unexpected tailspin, and there was nothing that could prevent it.

P.S. I don't know about the rest of you Bloggers, but this "new" Blogger is for the birds. Once again I say, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Just cuz something is old doesn't mean it doesn't work and needs updating to something that's more problematic and confusing, but offered under the guise of being "better."

10 Comments:

  • At March 16, 2007 12:31 AM, Blogger Margaret said…

    I'm so sorry you had to go thru that. (((((Sher)))))

     
  • At March 16, 2007 8:15 AM, Blogger Lori said…

    oh Sher, I'm so sorry that happened. ((((Hugs)))))

     
  • At March 16, 2007 9:57 AM, Blogger Catherine said…

    Maybe you should have had a couple of those drinks. I'm sorry sweetie. Sometimes it is just too hard.

     
  • At March 16, 2007 10:53 AM, Blogger Ann Howell said…

    I'm sorry you had to go through that. You would have thought that someone would have had enough of a clue to change the seating around. The insensitivity of people never ceases to amaze me! I have been there -- sitting near babies and trying to stifle tears. And feeling like a freak just adds to the suckiness of it all...(((Big hug)))

     
  • At March 17, 2007 8:02 AM, Blogger niobe said…

    How awful. And I admit that's happened to me too. My strategy is simply to leave, perhaps with the (all-too-true) explanation that I'm just not feeling well.

    Now, of course, sometimes that's impossible for various reasons. But, in general, I'm all about avoidance.

     
  • At March 18, 2007 3:04 AM, Blogger delphi said…

    Why, why, WHY can't people clue in a bit?????

    It hurts like hell and I have no idea why normally empathetic people cease to remember your broken heart after a while. Or were never capable of understanding that seeing a newborn will never bring us untempered joy again. BLECH!

     
  • At March 18, 2007 12:45 PM, Blogger JPAKAJR said…

    (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

     
  • At March 18, 2007 11:32 PM, Blogger Lori said…

    I'm so sorry Sherry. If anything, your reaction only proves what an amazing mother you are.

    (((((((((hugs)))))))))

    Yep...the new blogger sucks, I agree.

     
  • At March 19, 2007 12:46 PM, Blogger Scrappy_Lady said…

    ((Hugs))

     
  • At March 20, 2007 4:26 PM, Blogger Erin said…

    (((((HUGS)))))

     

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