Ambivalent
That's my new favorite word.
(Yes, I've been on a "memorable movie moments" kick.)
Seriously though, it's a good, all-encompassing word to describe myself, since I'm constantly conflicted about my feelings and attitudes toward literally everything.
I suppose I've always been this way, but my ambivalence has become much more pronounced over the last couple of years - most certainly stemming from the loss of Ryan.
But, I wonder if it's more obvious because my mind doesn't have other distractions, and instead I over-think and over-analyze every little morsel that my life is comprised of. Everything is a "should I or shouldn't I?" debate in my head - even the stupid, trivial things ... like what kind of jelly to put on my PB&J.
(Now, there's a life-altering decision waiting to be made.)
But, more often than not, it's the sad, cautious Sherry battling wills with the upbeat, optimistic Sherry. I'm not able to be as innocently optimistic about life as I once was, but it's no fun and not easy being cautious at every turn, either. I'm stuck in a weird kind of limbo, since it seems that harmony will always be too far out of my reach.
The hopeless romantic that I once was still exists, albeit in a much smaller and quieter fashion, and still daydreams about how my life could be, while the doubtful side of me clearly sees the cruel realities in my life. There aren't glasses rosy enough for the skeptic to view things the way the romantic does, so yet another conflict begins.
Hopefully one day I can resolve enough of my struggles to upgrade my ambivalent label for a much less-complicated one: Happy.
(Yes, I've been on a "memorable movie moments" kick.)
Seriously though, it's a good, all-encompassing word to describe myself, since I'm constantly conflicted about my feelings and attitudes toward literally everything.
I suppose I've always been this way, but my ambivalence has become much more pronounced over the last couple of years - most certainly stemming from the loss of Ryan.
But, I wonder if it's more obvious because my mind doesn't have other distractions, and instead I over-think and over-analyze every little morsel that my life is comprised of. Everything is a "should I or shouldn't I?" debate in my head - even the stupid, trivial things ... like what kind of jelly to put on my PB&J.
(Now, there's a life-altering decision waiting to be made.)
But, more often than not, it's the sad, cautious Sherry battling wills with the upbeat, optimistic Sherry. I'm not able to be as innocently optimistic about life as I once was, but it's no fun and not easy being cautious at every turn, either. I'm stuck in a weird kind of limbo, since it seems that harmony will always be too far out of my reach.
The hopeless romantic that I once was still exists, albeit in a much smaller and quieter fashion, and still daydreams about how my life could be, while the doubtful side of me clearly sees the cruel realities in my life. There aren't glasses rosy enough for the skeptic to view things the way the romantic does, so yet another conflict begins.
Hopefully one day I can resolve enough of my struggles to upgrade my ambivalent label for a much less-complicated one: Happy.
posted by Sherry @ 2/21/2007 02:56:00 PM
1 Comments:
At March 10, 2007 3:06 PM,
niobe said…
I certainly hope you can be happy again. But I think you can be both happy and ambivalent. In other words, sometimes it's precisely because you know that bad things can happen that you can truly enjoy the good things that you have. Before, when you're too naive to understand that things don't always work out the way you've planned, you sometimes see joy as a kind of entitlement.
In the same way that people say that youth is wasted on the young, I think that happiness is often wasted on those who can't see that life might have given them something entirely different.
I know it's not much comfort. But, from reading your posts, I have a lot of confidence (probably more than you do at the moment) that you are working your way through this and that you clearly understand the challenges you fact -- which is more than half the battle.
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