Still battling those demons

After my last entry and the many insightful comments I received (thank you!), I thought it best to take some time to evaluate why I blog. There's no question I blog for myself - or at least that's been my goal. And, as it reads in my sidebar, this is my space to work through my feelings, as strange and difficult as they may be. So, here I'll remain.

The past few weeks have been difficult and I've spent a lot of time trying to reconcile my feelings over lots of things, mostly related to Ryan and his little sister. As excited as I am about her arrival, in the same instance I'm incredibly sad about Ryan's absence. At times it feels that the further I progress into this pregnancy, the further I'm taken from Ryan. It's like I'm in the middle of a never-ending game of tug o' war.

It's really difficult to fully embrace this pregnancy, because I feel like I'm turning my back on my little boy if I do. I know he'll always be in my heart and be a huge part of who I've become as a person and as a mother, but I feel quite guilty about being so excited about little Gummy's arrival.

When I try to sort through these feelings, my logic kicks in and I wonder why I'm torturing myself with these thoughts in the first place. But, the guilt is there, nonetheless, and no amount of common sense does me any good in lessening that guilt.

But, in Gummy's defense, she deserves the same anticipation that I felt for Ryan. The loss of his little life shouldn't overshadow the joy Gummy's has brought into our lives. And, I feel confident that Ryan would want that for his little sister, too.

Maybe I feel that I'm choosing one child over another, a sometimes common issue for mothers. Ugh - I just don't know. I only know that I've been missing Ryan in a way I haven't felt in a long time, and my feelings are a jumbled mess.

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A good while back I blogged about clearing out Ryan's room and how Mike was adamant about not getting rid of Ryan's things. At the time, I tried to look at it objectively, pointing out that everything in that room is just "stuff" and not our little boy. We donated a good bit of onesies and other miscellaneous items in the first weeks after we lost Ryan, but we hadn't touched anything since then.

Two weekends ago we decided it was time to clear some things from the dresser drawers - in part to make room for Gummy, to put aside some mementoes of Ryan, and to give away anything we didn't feel attached to.

The task proved to be much bigger than I had anticipated, and I easily went through a box of tissues as we painstakingly went through each piece of clothing, blankie, and toy we had picked out especially for Ryan. No, it wasn't "him," but it was if it was, since we have so few tangible reminders of him. And, it felt so wrong to be going through someone's things who never even got a chance to use them.

Mike and I were feeling very selfish that day and ended up keeping far more than I had expected we would. It turned out not to be just "stuff" after all. Maybe we saved more than we should have, but I figure that later down the road we may decide that we can part with more. But, for now, we have that safety blanket that makes both of us comfortable.

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Things have been going so smoothly that it's almost scary. No, I'm not looking for something to go wrong, but it seems so strange that everything is so right, after all that's gone awry for us. But, this wonderful blessing has helped to renew some of my faith that we'll finally have a happy ending.

Some. I still have a ways to go, but I'm on my way.