Ryan was here ...



My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.


Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Okay, so maybe I was wrong



There's still a living being inside of me, so obviously yesterday's exhibit of insanity was clearly unfounded and I'm just a little bit crazy.

I really wasn't expecting to receive another ultrasound (I've already had two, with more to come, when many women are lucky to receive one), but I certainly wasn't going to argue when my OB said that she'd squeeze us in.

So, after our brief visit with the OB, we went out for some java since the ultrasound technician wasn't immediately available and we had some time to kill. Plus, I needed some chocolate - clearly for therapeutic purposes.

When we returned 45 minutes later, I swore my heart would pound right out of my chest as I got situated on the table, in that oh-so-comfortable and awkward ass-hanging-off-the-edge position. Mike clenched my hand tightly as the tech guided the ultrasound wand into the unknowns of my nether region, and almost immediately, I saw our little gummy bear's heart beating away.

He/she has grown a lot in the past two weeks and is still measuring right on target at almost 10 weeks. We could see the arm/leg buds and we even got a few wiggles from our wee one. It was truly amazing to get that peek at what's going on inside of me, since I'm none the wiser from the outside.

We met with the OB again after the scan, and she's very concerned about my anxiety and worry, so she wants me to go back into counseling. She also suggested going back on meds, but I poo-poo'd that idea for now. (I'm not opposed to meds; I just don't want anything unnecessary going into my body during the first trimester.) She wants me to feel at peace with this pregnancy and thinks this is the best course of action. I can't argue; it sucks to feel this way all the time.

I also decided it was time to place my order for a doppler rental. We did this with Ryan and it was a life-saver. Plus, we got the model that has a recording function, so we have Ryan's heartbeat saved on our computers as one of our most cherished mementoes.

I'm so glad it ended up being a good day after all, and I hope they continue on this track.

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posted by Sherry @ 11/06/2007 03:38:00 PM  

11 Comments:

  • At November 06, 2007 6:13 PM, Blogger Lori said…

    I'm so glad you got see your little bean today and that everything is okay!! Sherry...you have no way of predicting how you're going to feel after all that you have been through, so DO NOT diagnose yourself as crazy! Who the hell can predict how you're going to feel after you lose your first born and get pregnant again? You are simply human. Many prayers are coming your way for some sort of peace. Just take one day at a time, one hour, or even one minute if you need to. You will make it through this....

     

  • At November 06, 2007 6:40 PM, Blogger Catherine said…

    She wants me to feel at peace with this pregnancy and thinks this is the best course of action.

    Damn...if I knew it was that easy to achieve peace, I would've signed up for meds a long time ago.[/sarcasm]

    Sorry. I've got a very bad attitude toward other people these days. Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

     

  • At November 07, 2007 12:22 AM, Blogger L said…

    Glad to hear it all went ok.

    You have been though extreme trauma these past few years. I would be surprised if you weren't feeling anxious. Personally, I think your reaction is completely normal. With that said, I hope these upcoming days are a little easier on you.

     

  • At November 07, 2007 1:39 AM, Blogger Rosepetal said…

    I'm so glad that you saw your bean and s/he's okay!

    I continue to see my psychiatrist regularly and it's a good thing in to at least be able to talk about them to someone about the DBTs (dead baby thoughts)

     

  • At November 07, 2007 7:10 AM, Blogger Kim said…

    I am so thankful you got good news today! Your gummy bear is very beautiful! :)

     

  • At November 07, 2007 9:19 AM, Blogger Rian said…

    Sherry, so glad to hear that things are going well and baby is growing big and strong.

    I think a doppler is a great idea. And how wonderful that you have Ryan's heartbeat recorded. That is a treasured momento!

     

  • At November 07, 2007 3:13 PM, Blogger Ruby said…

    I'm glad it ended up being a good day too. You have a beautiful little butterfly.

     

  • At November 08, 2007 8:37 PM, Blogger niobe said…

    Peace may well be somewhat elusive.

    If you wanted to at least try antidepressants (which, frankly have been a live-saver for me) my understanding is that they are different from other drugs in that taking them at the beginning of the pregnancy is not a problem. There are more issues when you take them during the last trimester. There have been a fair number of studies on this. Ask your doctor.

     

  • At November 12, 2007 8:04 AM, Blogger kate said…

    Wonderful news!!

    LOL, what catherine said. Good luck with that peace thing.

     

  • At November 14, 2007 1:48 PM, Blogger Rachel said…

    This is my first visit to your blog. I am so glad everything is OK with this pregnancy.

     

  • At November 15, 2007 1:55 PM, Blogger Samantha said…

    Just updating myself on your blog.

    1st off, congrats on your little gummie bear.

    Looks like we are both right about the same weeks along. I totally understand your anxieties and fears, we just try and make it one week at a time.

    I am interested in getting a doppler, any suggestions on where?

     

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