Scare #1

Today I experienced my first true scare with this pregnancy. I pretty much knew it was inevitable, but I was still hoping to avoid any sort of scare nonetheless. I already have enough to worry about without history wanting to repeat itself in its worst way.

I had been very happy, albeit still nervous, because this pregnancy had been the longest I've ever been pregnant without experiencing any spotting. Emphasis on had, as today my heart skipped a beat when I saw the tiny tinge of color on the toilet paper. There's practically nothing that can suck the wind out of the sails of an anxious, paranoid pregnant woman with previous losses faster than seeing that can.

I called my OB's office and my OB was nice enough to return my call himself. He tried his best to reassure me, pointing out that all my bloodwork thus far has been good and my ultrasound last week was great. And, he further explained that I have a subchorionic hemorrhage (seen at my first ultrasound), so seeing a bit of blood can be completely normal.

Normal for him, maybe; but, terrifying for me.

Other than with Ryan, all of my pregnancies ended with the onset of spotting. And, I don't buy into the reassurance of the color I'm seeing on the toilet paper, as I've seen the "safe" color in the past, only to miscarry anyway.

I just seem to have a knack for being on the side of the bad odds, which is why this recent episode has me scared shitless. I keep poking my boobs, just to make sure they really are still tender. And, I've probably used more toilet paper for "patrolling" than I'd use in a regular day.

But, all I can do is sit and wait for my next appointment on November 20, when I should be just shy of 12 weeks along. That's three long weeks away.

The deep breathing commences. That's all I can do.