No vacancy

I guess it's time to take the sign out of the window, because it seems that a new tenant is ready to take over Ryan's old home.

My first prenatal appointment was today, and I can't even begin to explain how relieved I am that it's behind me. The build-up to today has been agonizing and I haven't been sleeping well, thanks to overactive pregnancy hormones that are wreaking havoc on my once-peaceful slumber. It's a difficult thing when your safe haven (bedtime) suddenly becomes a battlefield, and all your fears and worries manifest themselves into terrifying nightmares.

But, apparently, vivid dreams are quite usual in pregnancy. Mine just aren't the normal kind of feel-good dreams with fluffy white clouds and beautiful rainbows. But, my life isn't like that, either, so I guess I can't expect my dreams to reflect that - at least not yet.

By today's ultrasound measurements, I'm six weeks along. There wasn't a definitive resident in that gestational sac, but there was definitely a yolk sac and lots of reason for us to trust and believe that our little resident will be moved in and settled within the next two weeks, when I have my follow-up ultrasound.

I'm very grateful that I have such a caring OB now, because I felt so abandoned by my last one after Ryan died. I was always met with pitying looks from the front desk staff the moment I entered the door. Everyone there knew what had happened, and I always hated the feeling of dragging my black cloud of doom with me into their happy baby practice. I was a sad reminder of what can happen, and I threw off their statistics. But my new OB, as well as all the staff, has been so hopeful in helping us grow our family. Sometimes I think Dr. B. had more faith in our success than I had in ourselves.

Today was difficult, too, because I couldn't stop thinking about Ryan. I looked at the picture of his sweet face that sits next to the bed, and I couldn't help but think about all the wonderful and exciting appointments he and I shared. And, I hate that he can't be there to share in them this time, too, as his little brother or sister makes their way into our life. I know he's there in spirit, but I'm missing the physical part of him that I can't have.

The next two weeks are going to go by terribly slow and I know there will be no guarantees at my next appointment, but I'm feeling positive enough that I'm ready to accept and believe that I can finally take down my "vacancy" sign and trust that this tenant is here to stay.