Bittersweet

Sharing photos from Ryan's birthday ...



We decided on cupcakes this year instead of doing another cake. Plus, we always playfully joke about Ryan's little bum being like two little cupcakes.




I took this picture in the angel garden on Ryan's birthday last year and loved it so much that I enlarged it and had it framed. It looks even better than I imagined it would.




Ryan's "auntie" Tina sent him this beautiful flower arrangement.

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All in all, it was a bearable few days for us. Not great, but not terrible, either. Just difficult and bittersweet.

On the morning of Ryan's birthday, we went to the Original Pancake House and had a hardy breakfast filled with lots of carbs. We got some lovely cards from all sorts of people and even a few very thoughtful memorial gifts. And, for dinner, we chose to have grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken noodle soup as our tribute to Ryan, since that was his favorite meal while in-utero.

The next day was a bit harder for me, since it was the one-year anniversary of my dad's death. My mind was riddled with lots of "what if" scenarios and remembering all the things I wished I had done for my dad before his surgery. At dusk, I stepped out onto our front porch and just gazed up towards the heavens, wondering once again if my loved ones are really up there looking down upon me. Just as my eyes were tearing up while thinking of my dad, the setting sun situated itself among the clouds in such a way that I was suddenly standing in the middle of blinding sunbeam. It was like a little spotlight shone on me alone and, somehow, in that moment I felt a bit better, almost as if my dad was letting me know that things were okay.

Ryan's angel day was a much more somber one for me. I kept having especially painful flashbacks from Ryan's final day, which made it even harder to accept that two years had already passed since my beloved boy rested ever-so-lightly in my arms.

But, it's all over for another year, giving me plenty of time to work up my strength for next year's go-around.