Yeah, I went there

As I was hurriedly running my errands this morning, I ended up making a turn that led me to the most unlikely of places: the maternity center where I delivered Ryan.

I didn't turn that direction by accident, if that's what you're wondering. I'm not exactly sure why I went there, but I did. It was as if the car was on auto-pilot and that is where it was programmed to go.

Admittedly, it was a little strange pulling into that familiar parking lot. Stranger still was that parking was limited and the only available space was the EXACT one Mike and I used on that glorious day back in August of 2005.

My labor and delivery nurse, Robyn, has been on my mind a lot lately - probably because she recently asked my OB about me and he relayed the message to me. When my OB told me of Robyn's inquiry, I thought it was very sweet that she even remembered who I was, considering how many moms, dads, and babies pass through the maternity center doors everyday. And, although my ultimate pregnancy ending wasn't what I had hoped or expected it to be, everything that led up to Ryan's delivery was wonderful - mostly in part because of Robyn and her caring bedside manner.

As I made my way through the parking lot and toward the building's entrance, I kept asking myself if "this" (my visit) was a good idea, or would I be further torturing myself, considering that once I stepped through those doors, I would be up to my eyeballs in everything baby.

I took a deep breath as the doors slid open, stepped through, and made my way to the front desk, where I asked for Robyn. She wasn't immediately available, so I just stood there awkwardly and looked around.

Everything was the same as I remembered it. I could see the hallway and the door at the end of it where I was wheeled for my C-section. I caught a glimpse of the room I stayed in before my transfer to the "big" hospital. And, I saw the NICU where Ryan spent his first few hours of life.

But, despite all that, I was surprisingly calm and didn't shed a single tear or swallow any lumps in my throat.

Once Robyn came to the front desk, we stood and chit-chatted about everything that has happened in the nearly two years since I was a patient there. We talked about Ryan, babies, fertility, grief, my announcement business, and hope. And, while in the midst of talking about such profound and emotional things, new parents passed us by with their new bundle in tow and my heart didn't cry. Not even a whimper.

Robyn and I wrapped up our conversation - she has new lives to welcome to the world, after all - and I walked back out those sliding doors with my head held high. My fortitude in handling that visit really surprised me, because I was terribly afraid I'd turn into a blubbering mess after just a few minutes, once my own painful memories came flooding back. But, I didn't.

I don't know what compelled me to go there today, but I'm awfully glad I did. And, maybe I'm a lot stronger than I realize or give myself credit.