Just abiding ...

On the Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss Blog Directory, msfitzita posted questions for us moms to ask ourselves and to answer them in the way that felt right to us - or to not answer them at all. Maybe I feel more inclined to answer since someone other than myself asked these very personal questions about my angel.

1. What do you want people to know about the child (or children) you have lost?
Ryan was a feisty little boy. He was dealt a horrible combination of severe heart defects, yet he fought and fought ... and fought some more. People were drawn to him - something I've been told by many people. Ryan was the spitting image of Mike. And, sometimes it's weird for me to see some of Mike's facial expressions since they're the same ones that Ryan made. Like father, like son.

2. What names did you give (or plan to give) your children and why?
"Ryan David" loosely translated means "beloved king." We chose David as a middle name because that's Mike's middle name and was my father's first name.

If we have another child, we're not sure if we want to continue using "David" as a middle name or let it go with Ryan's name and his memory. Yes, it would be another way to honor Ryan by giving a younger brother the same middle name. But, I'd hate that Ryan wouldn't have that one thing that's all his own, since he had so few things that were truly his in his short time here.

3. What rituals or ways of memorializing your children seem to best help you cope with their loss?
We don't have any deep-rooted traditions at this point, but Ryan's days are always taken off from work so we can be together as a family.

For his first birthday, I really enjoyed making his cake. It was surprisingly therapeutic, since I felt like a normal mom - doing a thing that normal moms do on their child's birthday.

We have an angel/memorial garden to remember our angels, as well as the angels of our friends. We also planted an upright Japanese Maple (Lionheart) just under Ryan's bedroom window. It's a very unusual tree because of its rust color and delicate foliage, so we felt it was the tree to plant in his memory.

4. What are the kindest and/or most helpful things people have said to you? What are the worst?
I just recently blogged about the worst of the worst, but I rarely mention the opposite moments. I have those moments, too; I guess they're a little more personal to me since they're usually very touching and happen when I'm caught off-guard. Complete strangers have shared incredibly warm words and hugs, where my own family continues to flounder in the support department.

5. Who is your hero? Who helps you make it through the dark days better than anyone else on the planet?
There's no question that it's Mike. He and I are rarely down in the dumps at the same time, and he has said and done the most amazing things to lift my spirits. I'm thankful that he's my son's father.

6. Is there anything you need to say or want to say but haven't been able to? Can you say it now?
No and no.

7. How are you doing? How are you really doing?
At this particular moment, not so good. But, in the bigger picture, I guess I'm hanging in there. I still have tons of miserable moments - some where I curse God and sob inconsolably - and others where I make myself numb just to limp through the day. There are a few glimmers of happiness here and there, but my daily forecast is fairly predictable: Mostly cloudy.