And then there was one

I rarely talk about my mother and I've never written here about her. There's not much to say, really. I've never really known her and we never had a solid mother/daughter relationship. Never.

My mother isn't entirely to blame for the lack of a conventional relationship. As is the case with many people, she's had many issues throughout her life that affected the relationships around her and the choices she made regarding how she wanted to lead her life.

Even with that understanding that my mother has led a troubled life, it hasn't always been easy to accept that the person who brought me into this world wants nothing to do with me. It's hard to not take that personally; everyone wants to be loved, unconditionally, by their parents.

My grandmother did a wonderful job as my adoptive mother. I learned so much from her that I carry with me to this day, more than 20 years after her death. But when she died, I was only 16 years old and still needed parental guidance in the ways of the world. I guess that's why I eventually sought out my dad and tried my best to mend fences with him. And, even though he and I were never able to establish a typical father/daughter relationship, I at least had some kind of connection with him and I felt that something was better than nothing.

Since my dad's passing last August, I've had no one to talk to regarding life and everything that's happened in the past few years. I was able to talk to my dad about nearly anything and he never once judged me or my decisions. He always tried his absolute best to lend an unbiased and sympathetic ear and would only dispense advice when asked. And I know it tore him up inside when Ryan died, because he was helpless in making things better for me. His little girl was hurting and there was nothing he could do to change that.

I've thought of my mother very sporadically over the past few years, but earlier this week, something had me thinking about her more than usual. I'm not sure why, because it's not as though I was looking to reconnect with her or anything like that. I think it was sheer curiosity and nothing more.

I decided to search for her and went about looking for her online. But, I wasn't truly prepared for what I'd find. Through my searching, I found that she, too, is deceased.

This discovery struck me much harder than I had expected. Again, I wasn't looking to track her down, but I wasn't expecting to find that she had passed away, either. Actually, I don't know what I was expecting to uncover with my search; my mind is still a little fuzzy on my motive. But this news suddenly intensified my feelings of loneliness and I became painfully aware that I'm the only one left.

I know I'm a "big girl" now and am perfectly capable of making my own decisions. But, I don't think that voids my inate desire to have someone parent me. Besides, does anyone really get too old for that?

It's a terribly empty and sad feeling, knowing that I'm an adult orphan, with no other family to go to in times of need. I'm left to my own devices, whether I like it or not. There is no one to go to for help in making those important life-altering decisions. There is no one to impart their wisdom. Hell, I don't even have a sibling to bounce ideas off of.

I need someone to adopt me; I'm already potty-trained, if that helps.