My other "friends"

I'm back ... kind-of.

Well, I guess I never really left. I've just been silently sitting in my own little corner, wondering how I got here.

It's been almost five years (God, that realization takes my breathe away), and I still don't know how I should feel about all that's happened in that time. I've lived through a heartbreak I never imagined I'd have the strength to survive, and while it's still a daily struggle to push forward, I manage to find joy in the simple things, despite my perpetually heavy heart.

I still miss my boy oh so much. He's never far from my thoughts.

I'm realizing that this grieving thing has me chasing my tail far too often. Just when I think I've conquered a "step" in the process, I'm right back where I started, trying to understand all of it and deal with my feelings.

It's probably magnified, too, because of the timing of my current pregnancy. I find myself reliving so many of those final weeks with Ryan, since he and this little Jellybean were due just days apart. I'm so worried about history repeating itself and losing another piece of my soul. I don't know how to shake off that fear and pretend I'm okay while doing all these last-minute preparations for something that could be yanked away as easily as Ryan was.

Worry, sadness, anxiety, fear. They're my closest friends lately and know me better than anyone. It's funny how you can sometimes mistake your demons for your friends ...

Deep breathing has commenced

This past week was rough, no doubt. Having to lose our kitty, Wendy, so close to Gummy's arrival rattled both mine and Mike's cages a bit. We had been going about our business so seamlessly, so last week's bump in the road jolted us more than expected.

But, we're doing okay. There's still that absence of Wendy in our little family, and the other furbabies sense that something is off, too. We're doing our best, though, to focus on the good rather than dwell on the bad by keeping ourselves occupied with last-minute Gummy-related projects.

This morning Mike installed the car seat. I double-checked that my hospital bag is truly ready to go, and it is. Yesterday we cleaned our bedroom and bathroom to the point that I almost didn't recognize either room by the time we were done. Other than actually having this little baby, I don't know what else we can do to prepare ourselves.

But, along with all the joyful preparations, the feelings of fear and anxiety have slowly crept back into both our minds. Again, we're trying not to focus on the bad, but we both feel that we need to be aware of it. I mean, it's not like we can pretend we don't know how our last journey down this path ended. And, as much as we hope and pray that this outcome will be the complete opposite, we just don't know for certain that it will - till we walk out of the hospital with our little bundle in tow.

My last OB appointment was Friday and couldn't have been better. My OB is almost as excited as we are, but he completely understands our trepidation and respects why we feel the way we do. He told me once again how much he admires how Mike and I haven't given up our pursuit to have our little family and how our love for one another is quite apparent. Sure, he might've just been saying that to make me feel better, but it was nice to hear nonetheless, since it's the strength from our bond that has made it possible to pursue our dream.

On Friday night we went out for what will hopefully be our last childless date. We went to a local Mexican restaurant and had a wonderful, relaxing dinner, complete with an indulgent "tres leches" dessert. I was barely able to waddle my round body out of the restaurant afterward, but it was oh-so worth every bite.

I'll receive my final instructions by Tuesday, but for now, we're prepared to arrive at the hospital by 5:30 am for our 7:30 C-section. My OB explained the procedure again, in case I had forgotten any of the steps, and I'm still comfortable with the process. As long as Gummy arrives safely, I'll do what I have to do to achieve that desired ending. So, barring any emergency C-sections that bump us from the OR, we're the first on the schedule for the day.

Now, back to my deep breathing ...

Okay, so maybe I was wrong

There's still a living being inside of me, so obviously yesterday's exhibit of insanity was clearly unfounded and I'm just a little bit crazy.

I really wasn't expecting to receive another ultrasound (I've already had two, with more to come, when many women are lucky to receive one), but I certainly wasn't going to argue when my OB said that she'd squeeze us in.

So, after our brief visit with the OB, we went out for some java since the ultrasound technician wasn't immediately available and we had some time to kill. Plus, I needed some chocolate - clearly for therapeutic purposes.

When we returned 45 minutes later, I swore my heart would pound right out of my chest as I got situated on the table, in that oh-so-comfortable and awkward ass-hanging-off-the-edge position. Mike clenched my hand tightly as the tech guided the ultrasound wand into the unknowns of my nether region, and almost immediately, I saw our little gummy bear's heart beating away.

He/she has grown a lot in the past two weeks and is still measuring right on target at almost 10 weeks. We could see the arm/leg buds and we even got a few wiggles from our wee one. It was truly amazing to get that peek at what's going on inside of me, since I'm none the wiser from the outside.

We met with the OB again after the scan, and she's very concerned about my anxiety and worry, so she wants me to go back into counseling. She also suggested going back on meds, but I poo-poo'd that idea for now. (I'm not opposed to meds; I just don't want anything unnecessary going into my body during the first trimester.) She wants me to feel at peace with this pregnancy and thinks this is the best course of action. I can't argue; it sucks to feel this way all the time.

I also decided it was time to place my order for a doppler rental. We did this with Ryan and it was a life-saver. Plus, we got the model that has a recording function, so we have Ryan's heartbeat saved on our computers as one of our most cherished mementoes.

I'm so glad it ended up being a good day after all, and I hope they continue on this track.