My other "friends"

I'm back ... kind-of.

Well, I guess I never really left. I've just been silently sitting in my own little corner, wondering how I got here.

It's been almost five years (God, that realization takes my breathe away), and I still don't know how I should feel about all that's happened in that time. I've lived through a heartbreak I never imagined I'd have the strength to survive, and while it's still a daily struggle to push forward, I manage to find joy in the simple things, despite my perpetually heavy heart.

I still miss my boy oh so much. He's never far from my thoughts.

I'm realizing that this grieving thing has me chasing my tail far too often. Just when I think I've conquered a "step" in the process, I'm right back where I started, trying to understand all of it and deal with my feelings.

It's probably magnified, too, because of the timing of my current pregnancy. I find myself reliving so many of those final weeks with Ryan, since he and this little Jellybean were due just days apart. I'm so worried about history repeating itself and losing another piece of my soul. I don't know how to shake off that fear and pretend I'm okay while doing all these last-minute preparations for something that could be yanked away as easily as Ryan was.

Worry, sadness, anxiety, fear. They're my closest friends lately and know me better than anyone. It's funny how you can sometimes mistake your demons for your friends ...

Like I don't have enough to obsess about

On Friday night, while in the midst of brushing my not-so-pearly whites, I experienced a whopper of a BH contraction. Never experienced anything like that before with Ryan, so it caught me quite off guard and, honestly, scared me a little bit.

There was nothing about it that would be startling for most women, but the discomfort was so intense that I had to sit down, toothpaste still pooling in my mouth. After approximately 10 seconds, my belly returned to its softer state and I felt "normal" once again. Two more of these contractions followed, but their intensity paled in comparison to the first one. After the last one had passed, I picked up the trusty doppler and listened to little Gummy, who seemed to be oblivious to the whole thing, judging by her constant tumbling and normal heartrate.

I took it easy the rest of the night by propping my feet up on the footrest of the recliner and drinking lots and lots of water.

But, of course, the whole experience got my mind thinking and wondering what I would've done if those hadn't been BH contractions and instead had been the real deal. With all the worries I've had, I never gave a second thought to the possibility of premature labor. I've been so wrapped up in having a heart-healthy baby that I've thought of little else but that. That's the only worry I've had since losing Ryan.

Rather short-sighted, I know, but I think most moms with my experience have that one thing during a subsequent pregnancy that they focus on more than all else, and mine was making a baby with a healthy heart.

Chances are good that I'll carry to term, but that new realization from Friday is still with me. Thankfully, Gummy would have a fighting chance if she decided to be impatient and greet the world sooner rather than later. Let's hope she takes after her mama and isn't ever early for anything.