Deep breathing has commenced

This past week was rough, no doubt. Having to lose our kitty, Wendy, so close to Gummy's arrival rattled both mine and Mike's cages a bit. We had been going about our business so seamlessly, so last week's bump in the road jolted us more than expected.

But, we're doing okay. There's still that absence of Wendy in our little family, and the other furbabies sense that something is off, too. We're doing our best, though, to focus on the good rather than dwell on the bad by keeping ourselves occupied with last-minute Gummy-related projects.

This morning Mike installed the car seat. I double-checked that my hospital bag is truly ready to go, and it is. Yesterday we cleaned our bedroom and bathroom to the point that I almost didn't recognize either room by the time we were done. Other than actually having this little baby, I don't know what else we can do to prepare ourselves.

But, along with all the joyful preparations, the feelings of fear and anxiety have slowly crept back into both our minds. Again, we're trying not to focus on the bad, but we both feel that we need to be aware of it. I mean, it's not like we can pretend we don't know how our last journey down this path ended. And, as much as we hope and pray that this outcome will be the complete opposite, we just don't know for certain that it will - till we walk out of the hospital with our little bundle in tow.

My last OB appointment was Friday and couldn't have been better. My OB is almost as excited as we are, but he completely understands our trepidation and respects why we feel the way we do. He told me once again how much he admires how Mike and I haven't given up our pursuit to have our little family and how our love for one another is quite apparent. Sure, he might've just been saying that to make me feel better, but it was nice to hear nonetheless, since it's the strength from our bond that has made it possible to pursue our dream.

On Friday night we went out for what will hopefully be our last childless date. We went to a local Mexican restaurant and had a wonderful, relaxing dinner, complete with an indulgent "tres leches" dessert. I was barely able to waddle my round body out of the restaurant afterward, but it was oh-so worth every bite.

I'll receive my final instructions by Tuesday, but for now, we're prepared to arrive at the hospital by 5:30 am for our 7:30 C-section. My OB explained the procedure again, in case I had forgotten any of the steps, and I'm still comfortable with the process. As long as Gummy arrives safely, I'll do what I have to do to achieve that desired ending. So, barring any emergency C-sections that bump us from the OR, we're the first on the schedule for the day.

Now, back to my deep breathing ...

A peek at Gummy Bear

Today was our "fun" ultrasound appointment and it was every bit as enjoyable as I had hoped it would be.

Our girl - and she is indeed still a girl - is doing just great and hammed it up quite nicely for the camera. We got to see her smile, hiccup, kick herself in the eye, pick her nose, scratch her butt, and fiddle with her girly bits. That's our girl.

Chubby cheeks indeed ...




Rubbing her eye ...




Semi-profile ...




Nap time ...




Bad habits starting early ...




I'm so glad we decided to splurge and do this. I definitely would've regretted not doing it and I feel that much closer to her after today's performance.

Now, to figure out who she looks like most ...

Sheer, unadulterated joy

Yesterday's big ultrasound went fabulously.

We were feeling a little worried at first, since the tech was so abrupt with us, but once she returned with Dr. S. and he spent much more time going over our little one, our fears quickly diminished.

Going into this appointment, our biggest fear was that there would be a repeat of a heart defect. With no explanation as to why it happened to Ryan, it wasn't easy for us to shelve that concern and assume that it couldn't happen again.

Since Dr. S. is familiar with the nature of Ryan's defects, he was very careful to check - and double check - those areas in Gummy Bear's heart. We could clearly see two functioning and nearly equal ventricles; only Ryan's right ventricle was formed and functional. Next Dr. S. checked the aortic arch, to ensure there was no blockage and that the blood was flowing freely. And, it was. He was also able to make out the atria, so this little one seemingly has a perfect little heart. The only view he couldn't get - Gummy was being quite lazy and wouldn't move - was that of the ductal arch. But, with having a fetal echo on Tuesday, Dr. S. wasn't too concerned since everything else looked so good.

I'm still a little anxious about Tuesday's appointment, but the amount of reassurance we received yesterday was amazing. Relief doesn't even begin to describe how I feel.

Oh, and it looks like Ryan's getting a little sister. Or, at least that's where we should place our bets.

I've been tagged!

My response time these days is truly lacking, and I apologize for that. Kristin "tagged" me nearly three weeks ago, asking me to choose a photograph that represents myself in my role as a mother.

But since reading her post, I've been stumped over what photo to choose. I managed to narrow my choices down to two, which I feel, in their own right, represent me as a mom in a happier time.



This picture was taken in Ryan's nursery in June of 2005, just two months before his arrival. My mother-in-law and her husband were visiting from out of town and volunteered to take a picture of the proud parents-to-be in their son's room. When I look at this photograph, I see so much promise and happiness in both our faces, and I can still feel Mike's loving embrace enveloping me, with his hands resting gently on my swollen belly. In that moment, I never felt more surrounded by love.



This picture was taken about 15 minutes after Ryan entered the world. It was after the apparent crisis had been averted during my labor, but was before our world came crashing down with the word of Ryan's bleak diagnosis and prognosis. Everything was still right with the world and I was in complete awe at the sight of this little person that I had helped to create. It was before his little body was whisked away and was tethered to a dozen machines. It was when I could see how proud Mike was to meet his beautiful son - the spitting image of himself. And, it was when my heart was full of so much love I thought it might burst.

As much as I adore both of these pictures, it's sometimes difficult for me to look at them, since I know that our story doesn't continue as we had dreamed and hoped and planned, and as most people would imagine it would have. I look at these pictures and realize that our innocence and our baby's life were snatched away in the blink of an eye, with no explanation to help ease our pain or lighten the burden of grief that we will always carry.

These pictures will always hold a special place in my heart and my memory, since it was in those moments, frozen in time, that I felt my life and my role as a mother had finally been fulfilled and I was complete.