Ryan was here ...



My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.


Sunday, January 20, 2008

What to do, what to do

Even though I've finally become pregnant again, after 26 gruelling and disappointing cycles of trying and a combined four years of trying, I've never viewed myself as being a different person since overcoming this huge hurdle. I'm still that same mother who mourns the loss of her little boy and aspires to be a mother to a living child. I'm still that same woman who's filled with so much grief that at times I think I'm going to drown within its murky depths. I'm still me - despite being lucky enough to find myself expecting once again.

But, I'm also in a state of limbo, too. Granted, I've overcome many obstacles to get where I am today, but I'm not at the end of my journey yet. I want to assume that all will end happily this time, but I'm not a fortune-teller nor am I clairvoyant. Shit can still happen, no matter how deserving I may be or how many dues I've paid. Tragedy doesn't pick and choose. It just happens.

I haven't been blogging much because I don't want my present state to make others feel badly - when those others I care about are still struggling to get here, too. I don't ever want my presence to make others feel sad, since I was once in their shoes and understand and empathize with how difficult it is to hold on to faith when the rest of the world is seemingly rushing past you.

That being said, I keep wondering if it might be better for me to keep an even lower profile than I had been keeping. Again, I never want anyone to feel any sort of resentment toward me or my situation, but it's also not fair for me to curb my own excitement over an event I have worked so hard to achieve. But, maybe it would be better for me to hang up my blogging hat for the time being as not to offend or upset anyone out there.

I just don't know.

I haven't yet decided what I want to do. It's not easy to step away from something that has provided much-needed strength and hope over the past two years. The blogging community has become a big part of me and my healing, and I don't want to turn my back on it. But, at this particular moment, I'm not sure that it's benefitting me and my happy entries don't seem to be helping others - only bringing them more sadness.

Decisions, decisions.

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posted by Sherry @ 1/20/2008 10:58:00 AM  

13 Comments:

  • At January 20, 2008 2:04 PM, Blogger Catherine said…

    I guess it depends on why you blog...for yourself or other people? I have always blogged for myself. I don't get wrapped up in numbers of comments or how I make other people feel. It's totally for me. It's completely selfish. And I don't apologize for it. I need one area in my life where I can be completely selfish and put me first...my thoughts...my feelings...my words. :o)

     

  • At January 20, 2008 4:30 PM, Blogger L said…

    I think (and I know you didn't ask for my advice but I'm going to give it anyway) that you should put yourself first. If blogging helps then keep blogging.
    I am a self professed people pleaser and I don't like upsetting people either but I blog for me not for others so I say what I want on my blog and if people don't like it they can chose for themselves whether or not they want to read.
    So I agree with Catherine, decide who you are blogging for and go from there.

     

  • At January 20, 2008 5:31 PM, Blogger ke5nc said…

    Hi, I'm a lurker (yes, one of those blog stalkers) that has read your blog over the past couple of years (I was on an expecting board, but not the same one as you). I've never commented. It never felt appropriate because I've never been in your place. But I've cried tears of sadness over your loss, and tears of excitement and joy over the news that you were expecting again. I've impatiently watched and waited for updates, holding my breath for good news, and breathing a sigh of relief when you posted it. I've prayed for you, and for Ryan, and this little one. I guess I'm posting now in the hope that you will continue blogging, there are so many of us out here rooting for you. If your blog makes someone feel sad, they don't have to read it. But know that there are many people out here who read your blog and it makes us happy.

     

  • At January 20, 2008 9:19 PM, Blogger nault's nook said…

    Sweetie you deserve to be able to celebrate and to be happy. There are so many of us who are here cheering you on and would love for you to continue to blog. I have always blogged for myself. No one else. However it is your choice :)
    Just know I love being able to stay updated. ((HUGS))

     

  • At January 20, 2008 11:51 PM, Blogger ♥.Trish.♥ Drumboys said…

    Keep posting -- there's nothing like getting it off your chest about good times and bad days.

    This is so raw and honest. You are so real and caring.

    Please know that there are those of us out there who have felt the same way when posting 'happiness' and joy on message boards where we know others still struggling might take offense to. If we complain about a pregnancy symptom or our crying babies - someone else will say - hey isn't that what you wanted or be thankful for what you got. I have waited years to have that etc.

    It is incredibly liberating to know that everyone else isn't perfect and doesn't have it all together.
    Blog for yourself and let the readers chose to stay or not.

     

  • At January 21, 2008 6:48 AM, Blogger Melissa said…

    It would be terribly sad if you stopped blogging. I came across your blog some time ago while on the TTC message boards. I've been trying to conceive for 16 months now - in that time, I have lost two pregnancies (one of them in the 2nd trimester) and your blog has given me so much strength. I am still mourning the loss of my baby girl and some days I feel as though my world has come to an end, but your writing has been so comforting to me. Your newest blessing has given me hope and I enjoy reading your updates. Please reconsider your role in blogging; it would be terribly unfortunate if you were to stop.

    As some other gals pointed out, blogging should be something that you do for yourself. I can see that this has been an amazing outlet for you, as you write openly and honestly about such a tragic event in your life. You should never give up such a therapeutic activity - I find it hard to believe that your writing would be offending anyone struggling with IF or a loss, as I am strugglimng with both and I find tremendous comfort in your words.

    I enjoy visiting your site and I hope you continue to blog.

     

  • At January 21, 2008 11:12 AM, Blogger Kim said…

    Well first and foremost, we need to know how Ryan's little sister is doing. :)

    Second - I reiterate what all the other ladies said - this has to be for you. People can read or not read. And I know that as someone who struggles with waiting in life - when someone else who has suffered and who waits finally arrives, it's encouraging. VERY encouraging.

    Love and peace to you...

     

  • At January 22, 2008 9:20 AM, Blogger Rosepetal said…

    I would keep on blogging as long as you are getting something from it. It could be as a simple journal of your thoughts, to ask for comments and insight from other people or in order to offer support to other people.

    I usually blog when I'm feeling negative as it can help to put it in words. There are many days these days when I don't blog but I do blog when I feel like it.

     

  • At January 22, 2008 7:38 PM, Blogger Margaret said…

    My unsolicited opinion is...this should be your space, where you feel comfortable. You should be able to rejoice in good news! Your journey, the whole journey, should be here if you choose for it to be.

    You are a good friend to be worried you are causing pain to others.

     

  • At January 23, 2008 6:36 AM, Blogger kate said…

    pretty much what everybody else said...i also blog for myself, as an outlet. And nowadays my blog is quite happy happy and i don't apologize for that.

    The thing is, a blog is as non-confrontational as you can get, really. People choose to come here and read about you, they don't have to click. They come because they care about you!

     

  • At January 24, 2008 5:12 PM, Blogger Scrappy_Lady said…

    I think this blog is about you, what you're doing and feeling. Had you won the lottery, I'd still love to hear about you spending your millions. Being that you're in the process of winning a different sort of way, I'm going to love hearing about all that comes with bringing home Ryan's little sis.

    If I get a vote, I vote to keep blogging. ;)

     

  • At January 25, 2008 5:13 PM, Blogger msfitzita said…

    I think you should do whatever YOU need to do - whatever helps YOU. You can't take care of everyone else - it's not your responsibility to do that and no one expects you to.

    If reading your blog is painful, people can choose not to come here. Or come when they can.

    I've lost readers over the years as people have moved on to new, happier situations. It just happens. But I've also picked up new readers, many of them struggling with infertility, not just the grief of loss.

    I'm sure the same has (or will) happen to you. Maybe your reader base will shift to people who have gone on to conceive again after a loss. Maybe what you say will resonate very deeply with them and you'll find yourself in a new community.

    But whatever the case, this should be your space and you should say whatever you want - whatever is in your heart. Happy, sad or otherwise.

    I, for one, would be very sad to know that you shut down your blog to spare someone's feelings, especially at the expense of your own.

    (((((HUGS)))))

     

  • At February 01, 2008 5:29 PM, Blogger Lori said…

    Ditto

     

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