Celebrating our little boy

Last Saturday, we attended the fourth annual butterfly release, which is sponsored by the local hospital where Ryan was treated. After last year's horrible experience of receiving an already-dead butterfly to release, I was initially apprehensive to go this year. But, I didn't want last year's memory to put a damper on our yearly tradition, which is about Ryan and not me, so I put those bad feelings aside and instead celebrated the memory of our sweet little boy.

We, as parents with empty arms, couldn't have asked for a more perfect day to gather and honor our lost babies. There's something soothing about being surrounded by others who understand the sadness that's permanently taken hold of our heavy hearts. As we looked at the other families in attendance, we knew that they, too, had lost a precious baby. Some were heart babies, like Ryan, while others came too soon for their time.

We cried. We prayed. And, then we released our little butterfly and watched as he flitted up into the heavens.

Back ... and in the saddle again

We got home a week ago, but it seemed that life was very eager to throw us back into the real world, so upon our arrival we hit the ground running. Originally we were going to split up our drive, but after our visit to Chocolate World and after inhaling insane amounts of chocolate, we thought we could do anything. But we're not as young as we used to be and pulling an all-nighter takes a lot to recover from.

Poor Toby was terribly sick after we got home, but I don't think it was due to his stay at the kennel; the little bugger probably "Hoovered" some food that dropped on the floor. I will admit, though, that cleaning up after him for 24 hours straight on practically NO sleep almost made me feel like a real mom - cleaning up seemingly endless puke puddles all through the night, wondering if it would ever end so I could catch a moment of peace. I couldn't get that horrible smell out of my nose for days and my hands were cracked and dry from washing them so often.

But, I limped through it all - even while sleep-deprived. And, Toby is still alive and kicking, so I must've done something right by him during his sick time. It's kinda funny to me that I take some comfort in successfully nursing my dog back to good health. Those maternal feelings don't go away just because I wasn't able to mother Ryan in all the ways I had dreamed, so it's nice to have someone other than Mike to use them on. Now we just need to work on putting my mothering skills to the real test.

Speaking of which, I popped Clomid again this cycle and "triggered" last Friday. There were three ripe follicles, all ready to go. Go follies! I'll know in 10 days if I'm pregnant ... or, the more likely scenario is that I won't be and will be faced with another decision to make: to keep trying with assistance from my OB (my stint with the RE last summer was a waste of time) or to stop trying with intervention altogether and see what happens. Neither decision is one I want to make, but sometimes we have to do things we don't like, even if it breaks our heart to make that decision.

Back to the vacation re-cap ...

Canada was very, very nice. We spent several days in Niagara Falls and then headed to see Kristin and her Beloved. We had a blast with them and were able to share a special, tender moment with them at a butterfly release to honor our angel boys. It was an emotional time, but it was comforting to be with friends who understand the depths of our sorrow and our hopes and dreams for tomorrow. It was nice and refreshing to not have to explain away my tears and sniffles, since both of them could relate all too well to what I was feeling. And seeing our butterflies flutter away was priceless. Ryan's butterfly sat on my thumb for a few minutes before taking off, and Thomas' butterfly jumped onto Kristin's eyeglass frame before joining his buddies. Beautiful and bittersweet.

I'll have pictures to share, but I need to get them organized first. I hope they won't disappoint - fingers crossed!