Celebrating our little boy

Last Saturday, we attended the fourth annual butterfly release, which is sponsored by the local hospital where Ryan was treated. After last year's horrible experience of receiving an already-dead butterfly to release, I was initially apprehensive to go this year. But, I didn't want last year's memory to put a damper on our yearly tradition, which is about Ryan and not me, so I put those bad feelings aside and instead celebrated the memory of our sweet little boy.

We, as parents with empty arms, couldn't have asked for a more perfect day to gather and honor our lost babies. There's something soothing about being surrounded by others who understand the sadness that's permanently taken hold of our heavy hearts. As we looked at the other families in attendance, we knew that they, too, had lost a precious baby. Some were heart babies, like Ryan, while others came too soon for their time.

We cried. We prayed. And, then we released our little butterfly and watched as he flitted up into the heavens.

For all the little souls ...

Cat's got my tongue

... Or, whatever the expression would be for fingers that can't properly receive the message from the brain in order to type out the words.

Whatever you want to call it, I have it. This inability to get the words from Point A (gray matter) to Point B (fingers).

Well, that's not entirely true. I think contributing to my writer's block is fearing that I'll be judged once again by what I write here. Admittedly, I don't think I've entirely recovered from the verbal beating I suffered two years ago at the hands of an empty soul who felt it their place to judge me. Even though I can sometimes come across as a feisty little thing, I'm actually more of a delicate flower when it comes to matters of the heart and can bruise quite easily.

There's lots of confusion in this deep ocean which is my head. The waters are still murky and the surf is still rough, despite the safe arrival of Megan. Having one wonderful thing happen in your life doesn't cancel out all the bad things that have happened. If only it were that easy ...

I need to write. I need to be able to dig deep down into my soul once again to free myself of the angst that still weighs so heavily on my heart, but the words just don't come out right.

I am still here, floating around aimlessly in the blog world. And, I've been quietly following many of your journeys, so please don't leave me stranded while I'm figuring out how to fix what's broken under my hood.

The "club" grows ...

This morning I overheard my co-workers talking about a local radio personality who had been eagerly awaiting the arrival of his second daughter.

But, then, my colleagues' conversation took the turn I never expected it to take: the parents had lost their baby girl.

This news rocked me to the core. I don't know these parents personally, but the father is part of an afternoon radio show that I faithfully tune in to every afternoon while making my way home. He and his wife were expecting at the same time as Mike and I were in 2005, and then coincidentally, again this year. I enjoy hearing this DJ's stories of his three-year-old daughter, as it always give me a reference point to dream about what Ryan would've been doing if he had lived. And, along with many other devoted listeners, I was on pins and needles while awaiting the latest update on the baby's arrival. I just wasn't prepared to hear this outcome, even though I personally know it does happen.

When I hear news like this, it's hard not to remember all the raw emotion that I felt when Ryan died. Those first few days afterwards are nightmarish. Denial, fear and panic rush in and out of your mind at record speed, all while trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense. It feels as though you're moving in slow motion, while the world around you whizzes by, oblivious to your loss and confusion. You wonder if you'll collapse from the burden of the now-heavy heart you carry.

They are beginning a journey that no one should ever have to take, and I wish I could do anything to ease their pain.

Please, keep them close in thought and prayer as they make their way down this difficult path.

May God bless you and keep you, angel Grayson.