Ryan was here ...



My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.


Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Freak-out #1

As my dear husband I exchanged goodbyes this morning in our driveway, my memories were whisked back to our goodbyes of a year ago, where I received the first farewell kiss and Ryan received the second - along with a hearty belly rub and an "I love you, son" muffled into my swollen stomach.

Fuck.

Why is this so GD'ed hard? Why do I have these flashbacks that, for a fleeting moment, are happy but turn instantly horrible because the ultimate reality of what happened to Ryan falls on me like a ton of bricks? Will I always be reduced to a sobbing, pitiful mess when these memories come rushing back? Will my heart be filled with so much sadness forever?

I just don't know how I'm going to make it through the next 10 days. I can already feel myself dying inside all over again.

posted by Sherry @ 8/01/2006 08:14:00 AM  

10 Comments:

  • At August 01, 2006 10:14 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sherry, I am compelled to comment here, but I have nothing of value to say. My heart is breaking for you right now, and the tears are falling faster than I can mop up.

    Hugs and love to you.

     

  • At August 01, 2006 11:56 AM, Blogger Anam Cara said…

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I had flashbacks over and over and over on the 1st and 2nd anniversary of my son's death (and in the weeks leading up to it on the 1st anniversary). They were horrible, sometimes they were so bad I felt like I couldn't breath. I didn't know how to make it stop. Anniveraries have a way of bringing you right back to those early days of your baby's death, when your grief is so raw and all-consuming. I honestly don't know how, but somehow we do make it through. It sucks and it is so incredibly hard, but I'm pretty sure it will get *easier* for you in the future (ie. still sad, but not that debilitating sadness where you feel, like you said, you are dying inside). I guess the only thing that helps is knowing that there are people who do understand what you are going through. Your blog friends will listen and give you support. Big (((hugs)))

     

  • At August 01, 2006 12:26 PM, Blogger Doodle - said…

    Sherry - I wish I could be there physically with you and hold you up. (((((Sherry)))))

     

  • At August 01, 2006 2:20 PM, Blogger Lori said…

    Sherry, I wish I could be there to hug you.

    (((hugs)))

     

  • At August 01, 2006 3:08 PM, Blogger Abby said…

    (((HUGS))) Sherry. My heart is breaking for you, and I wish there was something I could do or say to make it all better.

     

  • At August 01, 2006 9:53 PM, Blogger Kori said…

    For any reason, a smell, a sight, a word, a touch, can bring us back to a moment whether we want to remember it or not. I have loved every memory you have shared of your precious baby and I can't imagine how small others and the world must look to you when you think of all that has happened since saying goodbye to Ryan... a ton of bricks may very well fall every time you think of what should have been, but I know that you, with your beautiful spirit, will find a way to put those bricks together and build something awesome. *HUGS*

     

  • At August 02, 2006 2:46 AM, Blogger Margaret said…

    (((((((Sherry)))))))

     

  • At August 02, 2006 4:47 PM, Blogger Chrissy said…

    (((((((hugs))))))))

     

  • At August 03, 2006 12:38 AM, Blogger msfitzita said…

    I vividly remember how painful the flashbacks were leading up to Thomas' birthday. They rocked me to the core and left me feeling exhausted, unstrung - a complete emotional wreck.

    I wish I could tell you how to stop them, but I can't. I don't know how. Mine subsided when his birthday passed and I hope the same will be true for you.

    In the meantime I'm here, my friend, and sending you much love and support and a million and one (((((HUGS))))

     

  • At August 03, 2006 11:13 PM, Blogger kate said…

    Yes, what anam and kristin said...you will make it through. I don't know how, but we do. Sending you lots of (((((((hugs))))))

     

Post a Comment

<< Home