My, how a year changes things

This is the picture I couldn't stop looking at a year ago today. Yes, I even held it sideways (just as it's posted here) so I could better make out the image of my sweet little boy as he sucked on his perfect little hand. I walked away from that ultrasound thinking that nothing could spoil my happy ending after all, and it was merely first-time-mom jitters and paranoia that had me convinced something was wrong with my baby.

God, I wish my gut instinct had been way off.

That was the last glimpse I had of my baby when he was safely tucked away in my belly and all was seemingly right with the world. I would almost lie, cheat, and steal to go back to that blissful Tuesday a year ago. And, if there were no such things as accountability and responsibility, I would go to any length to return to that one happy moment in my life. But, alas, no such possibility exists.

I still can't believe my world today is so painfully different than I thought it would be on this day. I thought I'd be hurriedly and excitedly planning Ryan's first birthday party as I watched and chased a little "franken-baby" stomping his way through our house, terrorizing the family pets. Instead, I'm trying to hold myself together to make it through a time that will forever be overshadowed by sorrow and grief, regardless of what good manages to creep into my life in the years ahead.

The events of the last year are quickly culminating in a tight knot that's lodged in my gut, and all the emotions from last summer are rushing back and bombarding me all at once. It's like standing in an open field when a sudden rain shower begins. There's no where to seek shelter, so you just stand there while you're pelted by huge raindrops, knowing it's too late to dash off to a dry spot. It's just easier resigning yourself to getting soaked down to the bone, rather than frantically trying to escape the downpour.

Since Ryan's death, I've discovered things about myself and my life that I never wanted to know. I never knew I could feel anger and disappointment when my eyes fell upon a pregnant woman. I never thought it possible that the sight of an anonymous family could reduce me to tears. I never imagined I wouldn't be pregnant by the time Ryan's first birthday rolled around. (And, at this rate, I'll be mighty lucky if I'm pregnant by the time the next one pops up.) I wouldn't have thought I'd be filled with so much self-doubt. I didn't think I'd find myself questioning God's decisions and His will and asking Him the same unanswerable questions over and over. And, I certainly never expected to feel as utterly unhappy as I do today.

But, this is, unfortunately, how dramatically I've changed in a year, whether I like it or not. I wasn't expecting these sort of changes, but rather, was expecting a new, good side of me to be revealed.

But, it might be interesting - or humorous - to see how my life changes over the next year.

Or maybe it won't.