The "what-if's" are back
Yes, they're back - unless they never really went away and I was merely looking beyond them. Regardless, they're here, front and center, and sending my mind into a tail-spin once again.
Here are the what-if's that danced through my mind today:
What if I hadn't waited so long to get my ass in gear to start a family? Would there be a living child in my life? Would there be a few?
What if I hadn't adhered to society's rules - as well as the fear my rigid upbringing instilled in me - and had had a baby before Mike and I were properly wed? Was I too hung up on not being the unwed mother statistic, that I didn't realize I could be another kind of statistic which is far worse?
What if I had had a child out of wedlock? Would I have been damned? Or, am I already damned since I engaged in pre-marital sex, and my punishment has already been doled out in the form of Ryan's death?
What if I never have a living child? How will that affect me and my future? Will Mike still love me the way he does now, where he still has that hope that we'll be a complete family, or will I once again be abandoned if he decides that the "for better or worse" he agreed to in 2003 is actually worse than anything he could've imagined?
What if Ryan really was the last chance I'll ever have at becoming a real mother? Why can't I know with certainty whether it'll happen or not? Why is there all this torturous testing and waiting ... and waiting some more?
What if I'm tempting fate by pursuing fertility treatment? Is my selfishness taking over, blinding me to the obvious that the rest of the world can clearly see but don't have the heart to point out to me?
What if I never stop asking the "what-if's"? Will I end up wearing one of those funny white coats?
Here are the what-if's that danced through my mind today:
What if I hadn't waited so long to get my ass in gear to start a family? Would there be a living child in my life? Would there be a few?
What if I hadn't adhered to society's rules - as well as the fear my rigid upbringing instilled in me - and had had a baby before Mike and I were properly wed? Was I too hung up on not being the unwed mother statistic, that I didn't realize I could be another kind of statistic which is far worse?
What if I had had a child out of wedlock? Would I have been damned? Or, am I already damned since I engaged in pre-marital sex, and my punishment has already been doled out in the form of Ryan's death?
What if I never have a living child? How will that affect me and my future? Will Mike still love me the way he does now, where he still has that hope that we'll be a complete family, or will I once again be abandoned if he decides that the "for better or worse" he agreed to in 2003 is actually worse than anything he could've imagined?
What if Ryan really was the last chance I'll ever have at becoming a real mother? Why can't I know with certainty whether it'll happen or not? Why is there all this torturous testing and waiting ... and waiting some more?
What if I'm tempting fate by pursuing fertility treatment? Is my selfishness taking over, blinding me to the obvious that the rest of the world can clearly see but don't have the heart to point out to me?
What if I never stop asking the "what-if's"? Will I end up wearing one of those funny white coats?
posted by Sherry @ 6/29/2006 05:17:00 PM
7 Comments:
At June 29, 2006 11:12 PM,
Anonymous said…
Oh sweetie Im sure you will always have the what if's but I think it doesnt matter that you waited or had premarital sex you are not being punished!! I know that is hard to believe and who am I to tell you this when I have never went through or endured your kind of loss. I just know deep in my soul when the time is just perfect you will create another perfect little soul a sibling for RYan and I know you will bring a baby home. I know Mike loves you with all his heart and you both have a special bond that nothing coud ever break, I know he will stick by you no matter what and I hope deep down you realize how much he truly loves you!! I know you lost a big piece of your heart the day you lost Ryan but his spirit has lived on in so many lives and he continues to bring peace and harmony to so many all over the place. How many children can you say have that effect KWIM? I wish it was different circumstances that we rememebered Ryan and I would make it better in a heartbeat if I could but you know you have friends and family that love and support you and of course crazy ole me ;) Sher email me anytime you need to talk you know Im always here if you need me. Take care of yourself and pleae know your a very special lady who is a wonderful Mommy to a precious angel and you will have a child to bring home and love....that day I hope will come sooner rather than later!!! (((((HUGE HUGS))))))
At June 30, 2006 11:50 AM,
Anonymous said…
Sher, crazy as it sounds, I think we all do the "what-if" game and wonder if we are now being punished for past sins. I know that I have beat myself up before about such things, and it sucks.
I honestly and truly believe that you have another baby in your future, and that this one will be the one coming home with you and Mike. If that didn't happen (but I know it will) I know that you and Mike have been through something that rips many couples apart. Your relationship survived that. Mike's love for you is not going anywhere, no matter what. Believe in that.
At June 30, 2006 11:52 AM,
kate said…
(((((((((hugs))))))) The 'what-if's are a terrible mind game and one we all play at times. I just wish it was so different for you, and for us all..
At July 01, 2006 10:56 AM,
Chrissy said…
Oh Sherry! Strike those what ifs from your thoughts! I know impossible. It's always easy to think of the what if's that could have been. But what about the what if's if you had followed your current what if's. Are you following me? If you had a baby sooner who knows how your life may be different today. You are, who you are today because of the path you took in the past. I'm very happy to know you and the wonderful person you are.
There is absolutly nothing you did that led to Ryan's fate. You are so sweet and I know you have so much love to give to another child. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish you success in a healthy pregnancy and birth.
One of my favorite poems when I start dwelling in the what if's-
Robert Frost (1874–1963). Mountain Interval. 1920.
1. The Road Not Taken
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth; 5
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same, 10
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back. 15
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 20
At July 02, 2006 3:47 PM,
Kori said…
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
At July 02, 2006 3:49 PM,
Kori said…
You & I will look fabulous in those white coats together...I hear they're all the rage in Europe ;)
I think we all live with 'what-ifs' some not as heavy as the 'what-ifs' you have mentioned, but all the same, we do.
Remember those choose your own adventure books? You would read and then have to make a choice and if you chose this you'd go to page 52 and if you chose that you'd turn to page 36 and continue the story making choices until you reached the end based on your choices?
Well the fun thing about those books is that if you didn't like the ending you picked you could go back and start over and make the other choices, but there was never that much satisfaction in the 'do over' because it felt too controlled and not spontaneous enough, not full of that wonderful feeling you get when you make a decision unknowing of the outcome, good or bad or tortuous.
And I'm not saying I wouldn't want a serious do over for many things in my life and for you to have your do-overs too...but we all learned from those geeky star trek movies (yes, me, I'm queen geek) that if you change one little thing in your past, it can have a serious and usually unfortunate impact on the present.
Your relationship with Mike is so strong - I can tell. I wish with all my heart that you and Mike are blessed with another child and another if that's the plan...but what you have in your hands right now at this moment is a man who loves you with every fiber of his being and a baby who makes us all appreciate our children and our lives more.
What if ... you and I go get fitted for those coats, but put them on hold for a few years? :) *HUGS*
At July 03, 2006 7:06 PM,
Doodle - said…
Can I play (I am very, very good at the what-if game).
What if you are and will be an amazing mother?
What if you are on the edge of being a sibling into the world?
What if Ryan made more of an inpact in his short life than any of us can even comprehend?
What if I want to be just like you?
What if all your dreams come true?
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