Ryan was here ...



My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.


Friday, June 09, 2006

It really isn't always about me, is it?

I almost wrote about this particular subject matter several months ago, because it was really bothering me how a friend of mine had abandoned our friendship after Ryan died. I saw her at Ryan's memorial service and haven't heard from her since then.

I had figured that she and her husband had decided that they didn't want to "hang" with people who obviously have lousy luck. And, I know that people do things like this, because they're afraid that that bad luck will rub off on them. I only know this because several friends of mine admitted that that was the reason they didn't keep in better touch with me during and immediately after my divorce, and then again in 2004 when I miscarried. They were afraid that what happened to me would happen to them. Bad luck isn't contagious, luckily, but it hurt that my supposed friends left me high and dry in my greatest times of need.

So, I figured this friend had gone by the wayside for the same reason. When someone is a regular part of your life and that suddenly changes, what are you supposed to think? And, this wasn't a casual friend, either. She was the first friend I made after we moved to North Carolina, and it was great that our husbands got along famously, too. We used to pet-sit each other's animals, and she was even our emergency contact for our house alarm company. She helped me plan Ryan's memorial service since her father-in-law is a funeral director, and I had been at several social gatherings where her family and in-laws were present. We had even joked that Ryan would be their daughter's boyfriend, since they would've been just a year apart in age. (And, if our pregnancy in 2004 had come to fruition, there would've been just a three-month difference between our baby and theirs.) I'd say that those circumstances show that we were more than just casual acquaintances.

After Ryan died, I didn't actively pursue many of my friends for numerous reasons, but mostly because I wanted and needed my own space - room to breathe and distance from everything. And, I certainly don't think that was selfish of me. I needed time to gather my thoughts and deal with my emotions. Who wouldn't need that mental break after a tragedy barges in and destroys their life?

As month after silent month rolled by, I became more convinced that I had lost a dear friend because my baby died. And, the onus wasn't going to be on me to call or contact her. I already had enough on my plate and had made enough involuntary sacrifices, and I've grown tired of chasing friends who won't make the time and effort to behave as friends should.

Last night, though, Mike received a phone call from my friend's husband. This seemed odd to me, given that his wife and I were always the chatty ones, but the husbands didn't exchange much more than a "hi" and "bye" by phone.

Unfortunately, my friend and her husband have fallen on bad times in their relationship and are divorcing. No break-up is pleasant, but apparently their situation is beyond terrible, for numerous reasons.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

Who's the shitty friend now? It's come to this, all because I wouldn't swallow a handful of fucking pride and pick of the damn phone. And, I could kick myself for thinking this failed friendship was all about me and what I was going through, rather than stopping to think that maybe other people have shit enter their lives, too, that may prevent them from being the kind of friend that they may want to be.

I hope I don't choke on that pride later today when I call my friend to check on her during her time of need.

5 Comments:

  • At June 09, 2006 12:43 PM, Blogger Doodle - said…

    You are an amazing friend, and to be honest losing a child ranks over a divorce.

     
  • At June 09, 2006 7:23 PM, Blogger msfitzita said…

    Do NOT beat yourself up over this. Maybe your friend wanted to spare you her drama when you were going through such a terrible time, but the fact remains that she abandoned you without a single word of explanation and contributed additional pain when you were already hurting SO much from your loss.

    You were right, the onus was NOT on you to go after her. She should have come to you, at the very least to check in and see how you were doing no matter what was going on in her life. She certainly could have done that, and assessed your ability to hear her about her problems when she did.

    I had a friend do this to me. In the end, over a year later, we finally determined it was a "miscommunication" - she thought I didn't want to hear from her (she'd just had a new baby) and I thought the same. But no matter, it was still hurtful and I still think she was the one who should have stepped forward and put ME at ease.

    My God Sherry, there is nothing worse than losing your child, and you need your friends at that time in your life more than ever. She should have stepped up.

    I know you would have. I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt.

    Don't take the blame for any of this and don't feel guilty for one single second.

    ((((((((HUGS))))))

     
  • At June 09, 2006 9:02 PM, Blogger kate said…

    I was going to say what Kristin said, but she said it so much better...

    I think we all have lost friends when we lost our babies...and it just hurts *so* much when people who are supposed to care abandon us. I would have thought exactly the same thing you did, when she didn't call....it is not a question of pride, only a question of how much any individual can handle at once.

     
  • At June 09, 2006 9:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sherry I agree with CK and Doodle you friend should have been there for you going through the type of loss you and Mike endured was much worse than a divorce!!! I would never abanodon a friend at a time like that and would check in but would have given the space needed. I think she should be the one to apologize!!!
    I think you should NOT beat yourself up and why should you be her shoulder to cry on when you needed hers?
    I lost a dear friend (best friend since highschool) after I had Logen she was supposed to be his Godmother etc and she stopped talking to me, calling ,emailing etc why....because she wants to start having a family and her boyfriend cant commit!!!
    I think true friends are there for you no matter what and vice versa and she let you down!!! (((HUGS))) and trust me you owe her nothing and are so not a crummy friend!!!

     
  • At June 10, 2006 9:54 AM, Blogger Laura said…

    Right! How could you possibly know that she was going through a divorce? I think that she could have checked on you and not mentioned her problems, if she felt that they would be a burden to you. I'm all for second chances, and if you guys are able to start where you left off and most importantly, lift EACH OTHER up, that's great. And you are being the best friend ever by giving her a call. That shows amazing compassion on your part, and if that is the kind of friend you are, you could never be a shitty one ((hugs))

     

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