Where'd that come from?

I'm frantically looking around trying to find left field, because that's obviously where my newly energized optimism has come from.

Optimism hasn't been a naturally occurring thought process for me in well over eight months, so I have one skeptical eyebrow raised. I've been a little apprehensive to believe good things will happen to me, and with so little in my life headed in a promising direction, it's almost easier to resign myself to accepting the attitude of "Oh well" instead of "Maybe."

But, this morning while driving to work, a sudden wave of renewed optimism washed over me. Actually, it was more like a tidal wave; I couldn't have missed the rush, even if I had tried my best to swim in the opposite direction. And, as corny as it sounds, I was so moved by the surge that I literally got goosebumps.

I have no idea what might have triggered this epiphany of sorts. God knows I've tried my damnedest to have a bright and cheery outlook regarding our future and another child, but most days the uncertainty and fear has far too firm a grip on me to allow any good, constructive thoughts to bubble to the surface. Sometimes it's easier to let your mind feel as battered and bruised as your broken heart, rather than pushing yourself to feel something that doesn't exist.

I'm awaiting the result of my latest progesterone test, but, oddly, I'm not worried or nervous about it the way I was a month ago. I'm confident - and optimistic - I will hear the magic number of 15 and, with that, I'll be elated to know that my body is responding per my OB's plan and treatment.

Maybe my optimism has returned, too, because my fertility chart is looking rather promising! But, I refuse to hinge my happiness on that slight possibility alone. I've been feeling different physically, but it could be nothing more than another coincidence, reaffirming that I don't know my body nearly as well as my touting.

It's frustrating, too, that so many early pregnancy symptoms mimic menstrual symptoms. Who was the genius who decided to throw that trick out at us women? There should be clear-cut guidelines: "If you have this happen, it's just your monthly bill. But, if you have this happen, then you're knocked up."

Obviously, though, I'm optimistic that we'll have another child or I wouldn't put myself through the monthly turmoil that comes with TTC. I want to believe that a special little soul has been reserved for us and will make his or her appearance when the timing is right.

In the meantime, I'll try to remain impatiently optimistic as I keep the "what-if's" in check.