Privacy, please

Since my empty-arms homecoming almost eight months ago, I've learned to really appreciate my private time with Mike, as well as my own alone time.

From the moment I first arrived home from the hospital, our house was a flurry of people coming and going, and doorbells and phones ringing almost constantly. Those first few days were not only physically exhausting for me while recovering from a C-section, but that time was also mentally and emotionally draining from the many times I had to re-tell the story of what happened, as well as make the final arrangements for Ryan's memorial service. Once all our houseguests left, our house returned to an almost normal state - or as normal as it can be after something so devastating invades and redefines your life.

There are few people with whom I openly discuss Ryan, what happened during those two days, and my feelings about all of it. Some things I gleefully and willingly share - mostly those blissful moments during pregnancy and right after Ryan's delivery that weren't tainted with bad news. The more sad and unfortunate aspects and pictures, though, Mike and I keep to ourselves; no one needs to know or see that side of the situation when they already know the ultimate outcome.

That being said, I was a little more than shocked on Friday when I received a message on my answering machine from an adoption agency, who my sister-in-law contacted without our knowledge. When I told Mike about the phone message, he said that his sister had forwarded to him the e-mail she sent to this agency regarding our situation. Now, don't get me wrong - I was floored by some of the sweet sentiments about Mike that his sister included in her e-mail to the agency and the fact that she thinks so highly of us as a couple that she chose to pursue that route on our behalf and with such fervor. But, I was also mortified that his sister went into great detail with a complete stranger at an adoption agency about our situation and Ryan!

I felt violated, to say the least, probably for a few reasons. What happened to us is a very, very private matter, and even though I blog about many situations relating directly to Ryan, and my online pregnancy board knows the whole story since those women were there from start to finish, I'm always in control of what I share. I know what my comfort level is and I know where I need to stop; I ultimately dictate what the outside world knows about Ryan. And, adoption is another private and personal matter where outsiders shouldn't over-step their bounds. I've already prepared myself for all the Ryan-related questions that will eventually come to the surface during any possible adoption proceedings, but I wasn't ready for a step in that process to bypass me altogether.

Maybe I'm hyper-sensitive to this. Maybe my over-protective motherly side is kicking in. Or, maybe it's the telling of Ryan's story combined with the sensitivity surrounding adoption that's really got me up in arms. Plus, Mike's sister (or anyone else) doesn't decide which direction our life will take, and I don't appreciate gentle nudging - even if we're already headed in the direction of the prodding.

I only know that I liked it better when I felt that my private life was private. Now I'm feeling very vulnerable and feeling that nothing is sacred.