Was that really it?

In life, I have always felt that we get an allocation of good fortune or blessings, and once that resource is tapped, that's it. And, more and more, I'm feeling that Ryan was my last shot at becoming a mother.

Yes, I know - I'm technically a mom, regardless - but, as a dear friend once said, having all your babies in heaven gets a little difficult on some days. But, I'm now seriously wondering if this is what's in the cards for me - to be a mom only to heavenly children.

Several times since Ryan's passing, I've questioned if he was my last shot at becoming a mom, and as cycle after horrible cycle passes me by with no subsequent pregnancy in sight, I'm becoming more convinced that this is my lot, whether I like it or agree with it or not.

Of course, the hopeless romantic in me wants to believe that something good eventually has to happen, but the more practical side of me realizes and understands the bigger picture in front of me, which isn't the prettiest one ever painted. I've already lost two pregnancies and have given birth to a child with severe heart defects. I have a sketchy family background, which makes it difficult to determine if Ryan's defects were indeed a cosmic fluke or a familial pattern. The nature of Ryan's defects related solely to the left side of his heart, meaning there's an increased risk of recurrence in a future pregnancy, especially if we have another son. My "advanced maternal age" is never far from my mind, either, since I'm constantly reminded of the increased risks during pregnancy, the higher rate of birth defects, and how much more difficult it is to get pregnant in the first place. Adoption was a consideration for us for all of two seconds, until we realized that there is no possible way we can afford that expensive option.

That's a lot of shit to overcome - especially when you have no control over any of those things. I can't tell my body to slow down and quit getting older; I can't erase what happened to Ryan; I can't repair my fractured family tree to find the answers I'll never get; we'll never be able to adopt, short of a financial windfall.

I'm really scared and sad that Ryan's birth was the pinnacle of my life and it's all downhill from here. And, unfortunately, from where I currently stand, I don't see any glimmers of hope over the horizon.