Rattling my cage

With all of the recent drama in my life being added to the already odd mix I have going on, I honestly feel that life and its curveballs have left me feeling apprehensive and unsettled.

I've always been a worrier, but the events surrounding my dad's health and our life insurance fiasco really have me frightened that I'm being irresponsible with my health and future.

Maybe this is how most people of middle-age look at their life. I don't know for certain since this is my first time reaching middle-age status. Yay, me.

Both Mike and I are looking at life and death in a new, discerning light. Naturally, we became painfully aware of life and its fragility when Ryan died. I've mulled over the mystery of it - how it can be short and fleeting for some and how fulfilling and wondrous it is for others. And, I've pondered how miraculous it can be, too. But, lately, I've also become scared of it and its unpredictability.

I'm in fear for my own health, as well as that of my dear husband. I'm worried about my dad and whether his condition can be effectively treated or if it's already too late to do anything more than to hope for peaceful and pain-free maintenance. I'm worried that my health is interfering with my and Mike's best attempts at making Ryan a big brother. I'm worried that we aren't doing all we can humanly do to lead fit lives and have instead knocked precious years off our lives by engaging in habits that we know aren't healthy.

I know that I need more exercise - who doesn't? I know that I don't need those fries from the Golden Arches or that ooey-gooey freshly baked chocolate chip cookie, and yet I succumb to the temptation. I want my husband to be healthier and for me to help him to get his blood pressure under better control. I also know that we can play by the rules as much as possible and still be struck down tomorrow. That's the unfairness of it all. That's the part I have trouble coming to terms with. I can rationize my reckless behavior with the "it doesn't matter what you do" logic since that's what most of my experience is based upon.

Everything that life is throwing at me right now is causing me to question what I thought I knew and understood. I'm now realizing that, for the most part, I'm helpless and I'm literally holding on for dear life on this crazy roller coaster ride, not knowing what's around the next corner.

And, I've been trying to put my trust and faith in God that all will be okay, but that, once again, is on dangerously thin ice. When I seek His help, most times I feel that I'm only talking to myself and feel incredibly stupid for doing so. Yes, I need a sign that He's there. It's too hard to sit on the edge of my bed, gazing up into nothingness and believe that He hears me and my prayers.

I shouldn't feel so overwhelmed by these circumstances of life - I know that. I'm trying my best to tackle one interest at a time so I don't crumbled under the pressure being put on me, but it's easier said than done.

I want to fix it all and have it fixed now. I want to know right now that everything is going to be okay. I wish someone could give me that guarantee.