No 2006 baby for me

Yes, I know it's a little odd to think about things like that, but I suppose all sorts of thoughts you wouldn't normally consider become commonplace after your baby dies.

I was really hoping and praying - and then praying some more - that there would be a 2006 blessing for us. No such luck, though. And, as I expected, no answered prayers.

After the delivery of yesterday's low progesterone news by the OB nurse, my title of an unfinished mother came rushing to the forefront of my mind once again. Will I ever be able to complete my role as a mother, or will I always be stalled right where I am, never to know what it's like to be a mom in the truest and purest of senses? Will I ever carry my healthy - and living - baby into the safe confines of the home so lovingly prepared for its joyous arrival?

This time around, trying to become pregnant seems to be so much more difficult than it was before Ryan. I'm painfully aware that there are more obstacles to overcome, but again I wonder how it can be so hard to do something that my body supposedly knows and remembers how to do. Both Mike and I take relatively good care of ourselves health-wise (okay, a girl has to succumb to the call of chocolate once in a while!), we have no known problems that could impede our baby-making efforts, we time our intercourse at the optimum times, but still we're not successful. I mean, even filthy, disease-ridden crack-whores manage to get knocked up easily AND deliver healthy babies. Where the fuck is the justice and logic in that?!

And, so much for my OB's theory that, "the body remembers being pregnant and easily goes back to that state, so you should be expecting again in no time at all!" He said that to me at my four-week postpartum check-up, nearly eight months ago. I venture to say that I blew his theory out of the water with my inability to get impregnated so quickly after giving birth. His theory might be true for some women though; there are a handful of women from my online August 2005 expecting club who are already well into their second trimester of subsequent pregnancies.

So, here I will sit and wait some more. Maybe 2007 will bring some long-overdue joy to our life. Something good certainly has to happen soon, because how much more could possibly go wrong?

Forget I asked that - I really don't want to know.