Wiping out on Memory Lane

Why do I do self-destructive things to myself? Do I feel that I'm not tormented enough by the more painful memories of Ryan's all-too-short life, that I find it necessary to pile more on my already-loaded shoulders?

That's exactly what I did to myself this morning, though.

I started poking around on the pregnancy board I frequent, looking up tips and tricks on becoming pregnant, since I seem to need all the help I can get in that department. I started out innocently enough - honestly, I did. But, somewhere along the way I took a detour and wound up reading old posts from me and to me - all of which were from a much happier and carefree time. That time, back when I was naive and unaware of the horror that awaited me at the end of my nine-month journey. And, that's when I tripped and landed flat on my face.

Splat!

Stupid, stupid girl! What in God's name was I thinking!?

I mean, I lived those horrible minutes, hours and days, not knowing if my beloved little boy was going to live or die - why would I willingly go back to that time? My stomach was in knots during that time, standing by Ryan's NICU bassinet, knowing there was nothing I could do to change what was unfolding before my eyes. I literally was an innocent bystander, being plowed over by practically the worst circumstances life has to offer.

And, yet, I went back to "that place" today, and it was almost as if I had no control to stop or derail myself. I had been feeling so much better, somewhat like the person who existed before August 11. Then I go and do this - what the hell was that all about? Now I'm sitting here, all emotional and sad and dwelling on the bad instead of the good that's come out of Ryan's little life.

I guess that's what I get for playing in traffic.