Ryan was here ...

My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Whoosh-whoosh ...

I couldn't stop myself.

When I found the recording of Ryan's heartbeat on my computer, I just had to hear it again. It's only 12 seconds long, but I could've listened to it forever. I had never imagined a sound could be so comforting.

But, now I suddenly want to put my fist through a wall. I'm so upset and angry (and selfish, I suppose) that my sweet baby isn't here with me, where he should be. And I can't take comfort in hearing he's "in a better place." At the moment, I can't think of a better place for him to be than in my arms.

This is just so unfair. And why do I today, after nine weeks, suddenly wonder what I could've done to deserve this horrible, inconsolable pain?

What could anybody ever do to deserve this unending torture that I'm living day in and day out?

Makes me wonder if this is really what hell is all about. Sure feels like it could be ...


  • At October 15, 2005 12:46 AM, Blogger msfitzita said…

    I think this IS hell on earth. It really is. Welcome to the "fist through the wall" stage. It's awful, but this too shall pass. And come back every now and again, and then pass once more.

    I don't think we did one single thing to deserve this hell. I have to assume there's a reason for why it happened, but I haven't got the faintest idea what that is. Maybe it's a million tiny reasons, or maybe one big one we'll never know about. I haven't got a clue.

    What I do know is that we're strong, we'll survive and our boys will always be there to give us all the strength we need to help us make it through this life without them.

    That I know for sure.


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