Angels among us

Okay, I'm convinced that yesterday was not a coincidence. There was a specific reason I kept replaying Ryan's final moments in the NICU - other than what might be a usual part of grieving - because too many other things happened later yesterday that were related to those stressful times spent with Ryan in the NICU.

I was feeling especially emotional after writing yesterday's entry and decided I'd talk to one of my "co-workers."

This co-worker is actually my boss' wife, Janet. As much as I dislike my boss, I adore his wife. She's a genuinely sweet and thoughtful person, with never a bad thing to say about anyone. She used to be a nurse, so, naturally, she kept a close eye on me during my pregnancy. It was nice, actually; it was the closest I'll ever have to a mother keeping watch over me. Janet was one of two visitors I had after delivering Ryan. She was also one of the people to find out early on when Ryan passed. And, I felt comfortable going to her since she's a mom and would partly understand the difficult day I was having.

I explained to Janet about my recurring NICU episodes and remembering what the nurse said to me on that last phone call when Ryan died. She reminded me that she has several friends who are nurses in the NICU. (I then remembered that, several months earlier, she had mentioned her nursing friends during some random conversation just before Ryan's birth.) Janet explained that one of her closest friends, Terry, has been the head nurse in the NICU for nearly 20 years and that Terry makes the urgent phone calls to parents when their child is in grave condition. And, Terry's husband is a customer where I work - who I work with quite often - so he also knew about me and that I was expecting. In a flash, I put all the pieces together in my mind and realized that Janet's friend had delivered that phone call which forever changed my life.

I couldn't hold back the tears any longer after making that realization. Janet got up and gave me a warm hug and she, too, was sniffling and fighting back the tears. We sat down, and she explained that a few hours before Ryan passed away, she had spoken to Terry and, without divulging specific details, Terry had explained that Ryan wasn't doing well and asked Janet to pray really hard for him. Then, the morning after Ryan passed, Terry called Janet and was crying, so Janet just knew that the news about Ryan wasn't good. Again, Terry wouldn't give Janet specifics, but she encouraged Janet to call me. ...

I told Janet how wonderful the NICU nurses were to Ryan and how Mike and I truly feel they are angels. I went on to explain how especially sensitive and incredibly caring Ryan's three NICU nurses were. During Ryan's final moments, they were beside us, crying along with us. They were so sympathetic and sad that they weren't able to help Ryan more than they did. They were the ones who gave me the time I had with Ryan, and I know they did everything they absolutely could to save him. Before my hospital discharge, two of these nurses came to my room to present Mike and me with a keepsake box containing Ryan's belongings - not that a NICU newborn has many belongings. Again, both of them sobbed while telling us about the box's contents. I was especially touched when the one nurse - the one who cared for Ryan the longest - asked if she could say a short prayer. Her gesture was so touching and beautiful, and it was at that moment that I realized she had gone beyond "just doing her job."

Janet looked at me with tears in her eyes and told me that Ryan was a very special baby. She told me that Terry, who also decides which NICU nurses care for which babies, will occasionally receive a phone call from one her nurses asking to care for a new baby that has come into the unit. Well, when Ryan was admitted, almost half of the NICU nurses requested to take care of my beloved little boy. Terry explained to Janet that this was so unusual, but something was drawing these nurses - including herself - to Ryan and wanting to help him in any way possible.

Suddenly, I was crying happy and sad tears.

Mike and I had always thought that Ryan was special and people were drawn to him, but we just figured we were being proud parents, thinking our son was the best son ever. But, to actually hear that people were drawn to Ryan made my heart smile. ...

When my workday was finally finished, I was relieved that I didn't need to bottle up this emotion any longer and could finally be the in the comfort of my house for two whole days. But, I received a pleasant and unexpected surprise waiting in the mailbox when I arrived at home.

There was a purple envelope, quite obviously the envelope to some sort of greeting card. The return address was barely legible, but all I had to make out was the first line to know that it was from the hospital. Immediately, I could feel that huge lump forming in my throat again, so I took a deep breath as I opened the card.

It was a sympathy card from Ryan's NICU nurses. Each had written their own separate and touching message to us and to Ryan. There was also a smaller card enclosed inside which contained a small gold ring attached by a small purple bow. (I'm guessing the ring represents the circle of life and the purple bow signifies mourning or bravery - I'm not sure.)

I guess the little card in itself isn't a huge deal - a sweet and tangible memento at best - but I suppose seeing it and knowing what it represents brought on another rush of emotion. Next thing I knew, I was standing in my kitchen sobbing uncontrollably.

It felt wonderful to know that my brave little son affected so many people in his short time here. It does help me to better accept that God had grander plans for my beloved angel than to just be my earthly son. ...