A different kind of mom?
It really hit me today, while priming the walls in Ryan's old nursery/Gummy's future nursery, that I have spent so much time focusing on getting and staying pregnant that I have given very little thought to what happens if we actually bring a baby home this time.
It's something I rarely thought about while carrying Ryan; I just assumed that at the end of the nine months, a bouncing baby would come home and we'd muddle our way through just as most new parents do. It just never occurred to me that our journey wouldn't end the way it does for most parents.
But this time, I've been so consumed with worry and doubt that I haven't allowed myself to explore what will happen after May 29. It's probably that self-preservation mechanism thing kicking in again, protecting my fragile psyche. But, this is something I need to think about, because May 29 arriving isn't like we're headed off on vacation or something as equally recreational. It'll mark the end of one very long, tumultuous journey and the beginning of a fresh, new life.
So, now I wonder what kind of mom I'll be to our little girl. I've spent so much time as a mother in mourning that I truly have no idea how to be a mom to a living child. Again, something that parents to living children rarely, if ever, think of. It seems to come naturally to them - at least from my naive perspective.
It's a little frightening to think I'll be responsible for this little person's every need. Is this maybe the part of my journey and healing that truly allows me to let go of some of the grief and pain that I've carted around for so long? Is this what I've been working toward for so, so long - finally being able to leave some of my pain behind me while embracing the true beauty the world has to offer?
It's something I rarely thought about while carrying Ryan; I just assumed that at the end of the nine months, a bouncing baby would come home and we'd muddle our way through just as most new parents do. It just never occurred to me that our journey wouldn't end the way it does for most parents.
But this time, I've been so consumed with worry and doubt that I haven't allowed myself to explore what will happen after May 29. It's probably that self-preservation mechanism thing kicking in again, protecting my fragile psyche. But, this is something I need to think about, because May 29 arriving isn't like we're headed off on vacation or something as equally recreational. It'll mark the end of one very long, tumultuous journey and the beginning of a fresh, new life.
So, now I wonder what kind of mom I'll be to our little girl. I've spent so much time as a mother in mourning that I truly have no idea how to be a mom to a living child. Again, something that parents to living children rarely, if ever, think of. It seems to come naturally to them - at least from my naive perspective.
It's a little frightening to think I'll be responsible for this little person's every need. Is this maybe the part of my journey and healing that truly allows me to let go of some of the grief and pain that I've carted around for so long? Is this what I've been working toward for so, so long - finally being able to leave some of my pain behind me while embracing the true beauty the world has to offer?
Labels: Gummy Bear, motherhood
posted by Sherry @ 4/06/2008 06:59:00 PM
3 Comments:
At April 06, 2008 9:04 PM,
Catherine said…
Yes, you will be a different kind of mom...more empathetic...more understanding...more mindful of the blessings in your life. I don't know if it will help you leave the pain behind, exactly. It will just balance it out somehow. At least, that's been my experience so far.
At April 08, 2008 12:02 PM,
kate said…
Yeah, what catherine said. It balances out. And you will do fine with the live-baby-mothering thing! (it's not as hard to figure out as the dead-baby-mothering thing....)
At April 08, 2008 10:01 PM,
Samantha said…
I can so relate, about two weeks ago I starting thinking, I better read "what to do when baby is home books" this may actually happen. Weird thing is, I am having a hard time retaining the info. I find myself kinda pulling back at times, scared to go that far in my mind. It can be frustrating, but hopefully worth it in the end.
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