Crying a river ... or two
I completely underestimated how unbelievably difficult it would be to tear Ryan's nursery to shreds. I know we're doing all the conversion for a good, promising reason, but that doesn't lessen the sting of tearing away at the plans and dreams we once had for our little boy.
Of Mike and myself, I've been the "strong" one to this point and have been able to go in there to organize and put away Ryan's effects. But, when it came to taking the pictures off the walls and packing up his bedding, Mike proved to be the stronger of the two of us, because I just could not muster that kind of strength to do what needed to be done. My grief became too raw and I was a sobbing mess, once again.
And, I'm riddled with guilt, because by this point in my pregnancy with Ryan, his nursery was completely finished and all his clothing and blankies were washed and ready to be used. But, this time, we're just now going in there to paint and I haven't washed a single item of Gummy's. Everything we've bought still has tags attached and the receipts are tucked safely away in a drawer, just in case. I'm not yet ready to take that leap into the unknown for fear of the unknown once again swallowing me and my dreams.
The end of this pregnancy is becoming more and more trying, as my level of fear is climbing and my confidence is waning. We're so close to finally grabbing that brass ring, but it could be yanked away from us in a heartbeat just as it was before.
How in the world can I finally believe that this could all really happen, with a happy ending intact?
Of Mike and myself, I've been the "strong" one to this point and have been able to go in there to organize and put away Ryan's effects. But, when it came to taking the pictures off the walls and packing up his bedding, Mike proved to be the stronger of the two of us, because I just could not muster that kind of strength to do what needed to be done. My grief became too raw and I was a sobbing mess, once again.
And, I'm riddled with guilt, because by this point in my pregnancy with Ryan, his nursery was completely finished and all his clothing and blankies were washed and ready to be used. But, this time, we're just now going in there to paint and I haven't washed a single item of Gummy's. Everything we've bought still has tags attached and the receipts are tucked safely away in a drawer, just in case. I'm not yet ready to take that leap into the unknown for fear of the unknown once again swallowing me and my dreams.
The end of this pregnancy is becoming more and more trying, as my level of fear is climbing and my confidence is waning. We're so close to finally grabbing that brass ring, but it could be yanked away from us in a heartbeat just as it was before.
How in the world can I finally believe that this could all really happen, with a happy ending intact?
posted by Sherry @ 3/30/2008 04:13:00 PM
8 Comments:
At March 30, 2008 4:43 PM,
Denise said…
(((hugs)) - You have to believe it will happen because of hope and because of all the prayers that are being said for you and your family.
At March 30, 2008 5:30 PM,
Catherine said…
How can you finally believe? By driving away from the hospital with a beautiful (live) baby strapped into a carseat headed for home and that new nursery you're putting together...that's how. Until then, just make it through the best way you can...one moment at a time if you have to. And know that all the love and hope of the blogosphere is behind you. {{{hugs}}}
At March 30, 2008 6:59 PM,
L said…
Seriously, there is no need to feel guilty. the baby is truly not going to care if the nursery is done. My second didn't even have a nursery. He had a co-sleeper and a changing table in my room. He didn't even have his own room!
He didn't care.
All babies care about is mom and dad, food, dry diapers and lots of snuggling.
You have been through something hugely traumatic. You have a right to do everything at your own pace. Take it easy on yourself and know that you and your husband are good enough.
This is going to happen.
It is going to be ok.
At March 30, 2008 8:45 PM,
kate said…
Yes, you don't need to feel guilty about not having a nursery ready. There is plenty of time for that after she is here safely. If you want to do it now, great, but if not there is no harm. I got nothing ready for Chloe until 36 weeks or so, i think. I did shop, though ;), i did lots of that. But as soon as i would get home i would i shove everything i bought into the attic because i couldn't deal with it.
At March 31, 2008 2:43 PM,
Ruby said…
Catherine said it so well.
At April 01, 2008 12:31 AM,
Margaret said…
((((Sher))))
At April 04, 2008 11:00 PM,
prayers4z said…
Oh sweetie, ((HUGS)). Ryan and Gummy both are so proud of you and want you to be happy...not to feel guilty. We all believe and know that there will be a happy ending and I wish I could make it easier for you!
At April 07, 2008 11:13 AM,
msfitzita said…
I think you need to be gentler with yourself. You didn't "tear down" Ryan's nursery any more than we "tore down" Thomas' nursery. Like you, we lovingly changed it into a usable space that we get great joy and comfort from.
Looking at it as the destruction of something makes it so much harder than it needs to be. What you did was necessary and Ryan would absolutely understand. I'm as sure of that as I am sure that Thomas smiles at us every time we cuddle up in his old room to watch a movie.
As for not having the nursery ready for Gummy, I think that's very understandable too. Once bitten, twice shy and all. But as someone pointed out, she won't mind at ALL and there will be tons of time to do all those finishing touches when she arrives.
No one faults you for doing what you're doing excpet you, so you need to be kinder to yourself and know that you're doing everything that you need to right now, at the pace you need to do it.
((((HUGS))))
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