Ryan was here ...



My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.


Saturday, September 02, 2006

An unhealthy dose of reality

My best friend and I have been best friends for 26 years. During that time, we've seen lots and been through many of life's celebrations and tragedies.

Although we've dealt with emotional ups and downs for more than 20 years, we still weren't aptly equipped to handle the feelings that surfaced after Ryan's death.

During my pregnancy, she was practically an outsider. She knew that I was pregnant and constantly checked on my progress via telephone (we live 500 miles apart), but she never saw the physically pregnant me. The me who was glowing. The me with the cute, swollen belly. The me who was more than ready to be a mom. Plus, she's never been pregnant and never had a desire to be a mom, so she doesn't understand how a pregnancy transforms your heart into something bigger than you had ever dreamed possible.

So, she couldn't possibly understand the depth of my pain at losing Ryan. In her mind, he only existed in ultrasound pictures and through a recording of a heartbeat played through the telephone.

The past year has really stressed our friendship and tested its limits. When I'm feeling especially sad, the last thing I want to hear is how fucking wonderful and trouble-free someone else's life is. But those are the things my best friend chooses to talk about incessantly. And, sometimes it seems as though she's rubbing my nose in the fact that my life is pretty fucking shitty at the moment, while she's sitting pretty, without a care in the world and oblivious to my pain.

I realize that sounds extremely bitter and selfish, but that's the reality of how my grief has changed me and my feelings. I can't always celebrate when everyone else is, because sometimes it DOES make me feel worse about the course my life has taken the last few years. I'm not expecting everyone to be somber and pissy, but a toned-down version of happy would do just fine. Besides, when perkiness is overdone, it seems phony and patronizing to the recipient.

My best friend called me while I was on my way home from work on Thursday. I debated about taking her call - especially while driving - but ultimately I answered and that's when our friendship took yet another twist in the road.

After some idle chit-chat, she flat-out asked me why I always sound so down. I wasn't going to flat-out tell her that sometimes her calls make me sad, but I felt I couldn't share how I really feel. But, she kept prodding and poking at me till I finally shared some of the ugly thoughts in my head.

I'm sure if we had been having this conversation in person, her face would've gone white and her eyes would've bugged out of her head after hearing some of the messed up shit my mind has come up with since Ryan died.

Perceptions are transformed and feelings change on a moment's notice. Sometimes you hurt so badly that you think you'll die from the pain in your heart. Fear is a constant companion, especially when actively trying for another, hopefully healthy, pregnancy outcome. Healing from such a devastating loss isn't as pretty or as easy as movies make it seem. It's real life and it hurts all around a lot of the time.

Needless to say, after verbally vomitting my heart and soul, my best friend began to see that there's far more going on with me than what appears on the surface.

It's an ugly little world, my head. And sometimes I hate what I've become because of it.

7 Comments:

  • At September 02, 2006 6:40 PM, Blogger Denise said…

    I wonder if that conversation will be a turning point for you two. I didn't realize how bad things were going for my best friend (also lived far away from me at the time) until she laid it all out in an ugly, awkward conversation. I honestly had no idea. I wasn't trying to be unsympathetic but she assumed I knew things I didn't or hadn't had experience with. We are closer now because of that ugly day. Our friendship changed but is now stronger. I hope the same will happen for you two.(((hugs)))

     
  • At September 03, 2006 2:16 AM, Blogger delphi said…

    Yikes, this is very familiar.

    A person who I considered a "best" friend for over 10 years, was completely unable to comprehend the changes in my soul, pregnancy and loss related. She is so far away from that place that she will never understand where I was and am. The things that she said to me were, in a word, attrocious. In fact, she is the world record holder of The Worst Thing Anyone Has Ever Said To Me.

    I have had to let her go. I was not able to have this conversation with her. She is just too far away from me, physically, spiritually, emotionally, to ever salvage that friendship. I congratulate you on airing those feelings with your friend. Whatever the outcome, it gives your friend the chance to try and meet you on middle ground.

    Secondly, a relative with whom I was quite close seems to have gotten sick of my continued sadness. She would talk about how happy her life was, and had little patience for how hurt and sad I was when talking with her. Consequently, it has been over 9 months since we have talked on the phone.

    So, I guess I am saying I haven't had the guts to have that converstaion. Much kudos to you for having it.

     
  • At September 03, 2006 4:56 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    These losses can really test friendships. I found myself "streamlining" my contact list after losing my daughter. It sounds like you made some inroads with your best friend, though. Maybe now that you've cleared the air she'll be a little more sensitive to your grief. As Delphi pointed out, a lot of us don't have the guts to have that conversation, so good for you!

     
  • At September 04, 2006 1:28 AM, Blogger Margaret said…

    I too hope you are able to get to a new level with your friend.

     
  • At September 06, 2006 2:41 AM, Blogger Kori said…

    Best friends are supposed to know the everything about you and I am glad that you 'verbally vomitted' (love that by the way) on her because it was time the two of you stopped dancing on the surface and dug beneath to reconnect. You could definitely use someone who you can say all that shit to who will say "I agree" and vice versa when it's time for her to have a shitty day. (and for you I hope she has one soon LOL)

     
  • At September 08, 2006 1:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    (((((Sherry)))))Im sorry your friendship has had its ups and downs and that you had to explode the way you did but I agree with PP that this could be the turning point to get you both understanding one another, I think our best friends should be able to tell us anything and vice versa but I lost my best friend because apparently after having L I just wasnt important to her anymore and she was angry because she wants a family and her B/F cant commit nice way to throw a 15 year friendship down the tubes over some guy ughhhh. Anyhow I hope things get better and she will understand that sometimes you dont need the extreme happiness of her life thrown in your face and that sometimes asking how you are might be nice.... GL

     
  • At September 18, 2006 9:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    My therapist told me that people, who haven’t shared the same experience, are just plain scared! Such incidents disturb their view on life and the perfect world they live in where tragedies happen to "other" people and not to those they are friends with, not people in their “perfect” world. They are only around for the good times and run scared when the bad times come around. Either we accept them this way or we let the friendship drop.

    I had a "friend" like yours too. Pity that we had to learn about human nature this way isn't it!

    Take care

    Kind regards

    Artblog

     

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