Still here ... I think

I haven't been able to bring myself to write lately. I'm still so emotionally confused about so many things and writing frustrates me when I feel this way.

My dad's memorial service was nice and appropriate. There were lots of things about the whole situation that drove me crazy, but I kept my mouth shut and went with the flow. I was there for myself and my dad and I didn't want to have any ill feelings on the day I said goodbye to him. Unfortunately, I found out that my dad severely downplayed his illness to me. I suspected this when he first told me of his illness, but seeing the proof of that in the form of pictures was very troubling. And, with seeing those pictures, I just couldn't fathom how no doctors would help a person in that condition. It disgusts me to think that that gross neglect contributed to his ultimate death.

On the baby-making front, apparently my fertility really IS my foe instead of a friend. We're on cycle 13, but who's counting?

Actually, my RE is counting and it's not good. My anti-mullerian hormone level is low, indicating that my fertility is on the decline. Great. Another sucker punch.

I'm still pretty pissed and disappointed by this news. I mean, seriously, I must be THE butt of the jokes shared around the fertility gods' water cooler.

The one good thing that has happened is that the results of my HSG are good ... no blockages or anything else unusual. Bad news is that because my old body is starting to shut down, my meds had to be increased almost three-fold to give my system the jolt it obviously needs. More meds equal more money. So, this will be our last medicated cycle for quite a while, which dramatically decreases our chances of getting pregnant at all. We can't allow ourselves to be so consumed by having another child that we overlook the commitments we've already made, i.e., our home, pets, vehicles and the like. It'll break my heart that we'll have to abandon our efforts and merely hope for a miracle. Not a very promising outlook.

I have lots of unresolved grieving issues because of the timing of my dad's death. I was in the midst of sorting out all my emotions from a year ago, when I unexpectedly had to deal with new and old grief simultaneously. Suddenly, I was reliving last August, as sympathy cards and flowers arrived, and as I looked around my house, I immediately thought about how this was happening to me exactly a year ago and I'm actually having to do this again.

I'm still in disbelief that my dad has died. I had bought him some Johnny Cash CD's for his birthday, which was this past Sunday, but I have no idea what to do with them. I don't want to take them back, but it seems silly to hang on to a gift that will never be given.

Crazy shit like this is why I haven't been able to write. And, even THIS is a poor excuse of my writing and usual thought processes, but I thought it was time to at least put forth the effort.

I have taken steps, though, to help guide me out of this emotional muck: I'm visiting an acupuncturist next Tuesday. I'm hoping I'll benefit in several ways to get myself back on track.

I want to feel somewhat normal again, and hopefully Eastern medicine can steer me in the right direction. Hell, any other direction would be an improvment over where I've been headed.