I ~want~ to believe
After seeing the movie, "The Polar Express," at Christmastime, I haven't been able to shake off the phrase that the main character says regarding Santa Claus: "I want to believe." The little boy can't hear the ring of Santa's sleigh bells because he doesn't whole-heartedly believe in Santa's existence.
That's how I feel about God.
I wasn't the most spiritual of persons before losing Ryan, but after he died, I can honestly say that I had no problem cursing God and what He allowed to happen to my baby. I mean, if God's love is so perfect, why would He do something so horrible - to Ryan, Mike and me.
I was also unable to blindly believe that, "God has bigger plans for Ryan," or "it's God's will," as I often heard as people around me tried to comfort me after his death. I thought, "Bullshit. Why in the world would He choose an innocent baby and break the hearts of everyone who anticipated that baby's arrival? A loving God would never do such a thing."
Much of my time since Ryan's passing has been spent trying to repair that broken relationship with God and make sense out of losing my sweet baby. I'm trying - I really am - but my baby dying is a bitter pill to swallow and makes it difficult to openly accept that God's love surrounds me in my darkest hour. Most times during my darkest hour, love is the last thing I feel.
I'm so utterly confused by all of this. Did I royally piss off God, and my retribution for that horrible misdeed was having Ryan die? Was it really the will of God - whether intentional or circumstantial? Or, is God really blameless, having possibly watched those tragic events, powerless to change the outcome - just as He did when His own Son died?
Maybe Ryan's death is my ultimate test of my belief - will something so tragic and unimaginable be enough to cause my trust in God to falter.
So, I'm left with all these messy feelings and thoughts to sort out. I'm trying not to abandon my beliefs and hope that on my more bitter days, God isn't too harsh in His judgment of me.
I can faintly hearing His bell ringing in the distance ... hopefully, in me keeping the faith, that bell will ring even louder and never stop.
That's how I feel about God.
I wasn't the most spiritual of persons before losing Ryan, but after he died, I can honestly say that I had no problem cursing God and what He allowed to happen to my baby. I mean, if God's love is so perfect, why would He do something so horrible - to Ryan, Mike and me.
I was also unable to blindly believe that, "God has bigger plans for Ryan," or "it's God's will," as I often heard as people around me tried to comfort me after his death. I thought, "Bullshit. Why in the world would He choose an innocent baby and break the hearts of everyone who anticipated that baby's arrival? A loving God would never do such a thing."
Much of my time since Ryan's passing has been spent trying to repair that broken relationship with God and make sense out of losing my sweet baby. I'm trying - I really am - but my baby dying is a bitter pill to swallow and makes it difficult to openly accept that God's love surrounds me in my darkest hour. Most times during my darkest hour, love is the last thing I feel.
I'm so utterly confused by all of this. Did I royally piss off God, and my retribution for that horrible misdeed was having Ryan die? Was it really the will of God - whether intentional or circumstantial? Or, is God really blameless, having possibly watched those tragic events, powerless to change the outcome - just as He did when His own Son died?
Maybe Ryan's death is my ultimate test of my belief - will something so tragic and unimaginable be enough to cause my trust in God to falter.
So, I'm left with all these messy feelings and thoughts to sort out. I'm trying not to abandon my beliefs and hope that on my more bitter days, God isn't too harsh in His judgment of me.
I can faintly hearing His bell ringing in the distance ... hopefully, in me keeping the faith, that bell will ring even louder and never stop.
posted by Sherry @ 1/29/2006 12:42:00 AM
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