Ryan was here ...

My not-so-sweet nothings, mostly comprised of my feelings at losing my two-day-old son, Ryan David, to congenital heart defects, and to celebrate the arrival of Ryan's healthy little sister, Megan Elizabeth, and hopefully welcome another little miracle into our brood in July 2010.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Strange twist of fate

In 1997, in my "previous life" - when I was married to my first husband - I bred my Samoyed, Sasha. She gave birth to five polar-bear-cub-looking puppies. (Cute doesn't even begin to describe how they looked!) All but one of the pups went to new owners, and the one remaining pup, Toby, stayed with us.

When my ex and I split in 1998, it was agreed that I'd take Sasha and he'd take Toby. I hated splitting them up, too, but it was the best situation that the ex and I could come up with.

In 1999, I moved from Pennsylvania to Florida, and again moved in 2001 to North Carolina. I've only seen Toby once since 1999, but my ex does give me updates every so often, just so I know that he's okay.

Last month I found out that my ex's current marriage is in crisis and he and his wife are separated. Their house sold four days after being placed on the real estate market, so my ex has been scrambling, trying to find a good home for Toby.

Oddly enough, I kept thinking about Toby yesterday and decided to send my ex an e-mail, asking about Toby. He called me a few minutes later and asked if I could "take" Toby - either temporarily (for a year or so) or permanently.

Once I told Mike, he was all for it. We had to put Sasha down on March 26, and since then, we've been missing having a dog in the house. Originally, we were going to wait till Ryan was born so we could pick out a new dog as a family. Needless to say, that plan got shot to shit, so we've remained dog-less longer than expected.

I'm really happy at the thought of having Toby again, but at the same time, I'm really sad about it. Don't get me wrong - I truly want to provide Toby with a stable, loving home - but this isn't exactly the type of homecoming I was expecting. I figured I'd be spending this time trying to decide where to set up a portable crib or baby swing, not figure out where to put the dog's bowls or wonder if the dog will try to go dining at the litterbox buffet.

I just don't know what's wrong with me today. I should be bubbling over from giddiness at this news, and instead, it keeps reminding me of what I've lost and what I'll forever be missing.

Well, at least Toby will be around for me to dote on and baby-talk to. That's as good as it gets right now ...


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