Tick, tock, tick, tock

Do you hear that?!?

Of course you don't - I know that.

But, sometimes the constant tick-tock in my head seems loud enough for anyone remotely close by to hear.

Of course, the running joke is that I'm hearing my biological clock ticking. I'm sure that's partly true - just picture Marisa Tomei in the movie "My Cousin Vinny," stomping on the wooden porch of the mountain cabin, complaining about her own internal clock. But, I think it's more than just biology.

I've become painfully aware of time since Ryan's birth. The morning my water broke, I had to make note of the time. Once I got to the hospital, I had to time my contractions. I was allowed three hours of unsuccessful laboring on my own before surgical intervention. When Ryan was born, 4:07 p.m. was suddenly the magical time for me. While Ryan's fragile body struggled to make it through his heart catheterization, I watched as second by painful second passed by on the clock in my hospital room. And, then, finally, my world was shattered upon hearing the NICU doctor utter my son's time of death: 10:16 p.m.

Everything since August 9th has been about time, whether it be counting it down, making the best of it, or longing to regain lost moments.

I always hear ticking, even when there is dead silence. I can never get away from the clock in my head that's always counting down to something.

I just don't know what that something is. I used to think I knew what it was; when I was pregnant with Ryan, it seemed so clear that I was counting down to the end of my old, incomplete life and readying myself for my new adventure in my new role as a mother. But, my firm grasp on time has slipped through my fingers since August 11th, and that annoying clock just won't stop.

Time is no longer my friend. Time is not on my side. Time is not all I have. Time does not heal all wounds. Time flies when you're having fun - and even when you're having the shittiest time imaginable.

I wish more than anything I could get back those precious 54 hours with Ryan ... every single second, minute and hour.