Apologies

I know the phrase "I'm sorry" is terribly misused. People use those two words without considering the intended meaning behind them, while others avoid its use altogether. But, when used properly, those two words can go a long way to mending ties with someone you once loved.

On Saturday I spent a couple of hours with my ex-husband. (He was in town on business and wanted to visit our dog, Toby.) I expected the time to pass excruciatingly slow, but I was surprised that it didn't, and even more surprised by the outcome of the visit.

During my 11-year relationship with my ex, we went through a lot of ups and downs: lost jobs, medical problems, and, mostly, his infidelity. I gave him and our relationship my unconditional love throughout our time together, but most of what I received in return was betrayal and a broken heart.

When I finally put the brakes on on our relationship, it was after my ex's third indiscretion. I played my decision like baseball: three strikes and you're out. I thought it was fair and I had been more than forgiving in handling his prior affairs.

When I asked my ex to leave our house, he begged me not to do this to "us." At the time - mostly because he was so self-absorbed and shocked that his latest affair finally bit him in the ass - he just couldn't see that it wasn't me who had done this to us; he was the one who had destroyed our relationship with his continual lying and cheating.

We sought out counseling - separate and joint - but the damage was too severe to repair our marriage. I knew in my heart of hearts that he would cheat again and I wasn't willing to spend the next two, five or ten years waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just couldn't handle any more heartbreak or letdowns when I knew that I deserved better.

While my ex and I were waiting for our divorce to be finalized, he began dating a woman whom he eventually married. She came from a similar background: She cheated on her husband and swore to him she'd never do it again. She, too, fed her husband the same worn-out empty promises I grew accustomed to hearing throughout my first marriage.

The fall-out from our break-up wasn't pretty, although our split began on rather amicable terms - even the lawyer handling the divorce papers commented on the mature manner with which we were handling an unpleasant situation. But, slowly, my ex's true colors began to show, and he became especially bitter toward me for ending our relationship. By the time our marriage was officially dissolved, we were barely on speaking terms, except to give updates on our "kids," our beloved pets.

I couldn't believe that the man I once loved more than anything harbored such ill will towards me and me towards him.

I found out a few months ago that my ex had done the same thing to his current wife that he did to me. I wasn't at all surprised, but the news did sadden me. I had really hoped he had learned his lesson from the mistakes he made in our marriage. I was wrong, unfortunately.

Luckily, time does heal some wounds, and he and I are once again speaking. And, since I'm taking care of the dog he had to give up once his wife kicked him out of the house, I think he's eaten a few big slices of humble pie and finally learned his lesson.

So, back to Saturday's visit ...

Our dog, Toby, was extremely sick over the weekend. I didn't know if I'd ever stop cleaning up or smelling dog vomit! Because of Toby's under-the-weather state, there wasn't much of a visit between my ex and Toby, so much of the two hours was spent shooting the shit between he and I.

Out of actual concern, I asked how my ex was "doing" - referring to his marriage - and he explained that things were slowly turning around. He said that he and his wife are both in counseling and that they're moving into a new home in a few weeks. Then, to my surprise, he told me that he's sorry for what he did to me and our marriage.

This was the first time ever my ex had apologized for any of his past transgressions - well, he had said "I'm sorry" in the past, but it was out of obligation and not out of true remorse for his actions and the hurt those actions brought about. He went on to explain that his counseling has taught him so much about himself and why he's done the destructive things over the years that he has. And, he felt it important to apologize to me and clear me of any fault, since the dissolution of our marriage laid solely in his hands.

I certainly hadn't been waiting for his apology, and, quite honestly, I never expected to receive one. I had just accepted that things are the way they are and it was all water under the bridge.

There was something very comforting in hearing his genuine apology, even after almost eight years. I can't quite explain it, but, deep down, there had obviously been some unsettled feelings over my first marriage, and that apology has finally put those emotions to rest. There's no more anger, resentment, or hatred. I'm finally at peace over what happened and can confidently close that ugly chapter of my life.

Small steps ... it's all I can ask for right now. But, they're still steps in the right direction.