"Would've"

Since Ryan's death, I've thought a lot about the other two angels who quietly stepped into and out of my life. The oldest would've turned seven this past July and the second would've turned one right about now.

I'm beginning to really despise the contraction, "would've." Everything these days seems to be filled with too many would'ves ...

... Ryan would've been dressed as a panda cub this Halloween, even though he would've been only three months old.

... Angel baby #1 would've been in second grade in school and would've been the protector of his or her younger siblings.

... Angel baby #2 would've just celebrated his or her first birthday and would've been just starting to walk.

It seems so foreign to me at times that I would've had three children if everything would've worked out the way I had hoped and dreamed. But, instead, I sit here grieving the deaths of all three of them, wondering what in the world went wrong that none of them are here for me to love and laugh with.

I would've been the best mom to all three of them if I had been given half the chance. Honestly, I would've ...